A Year of Regret

In about 2 months, my nephew Izzy is going to celebrate his first birthday. For the first 6 months of Izzy's life, I had the privilege to live under the same roof as him. When my sister in law and brother in law first brought him home, he was so tiny. You were almost afraid to hold him because you didn't want to break him. As the days, weeks and months went by Izzy began to get bigger and stronger and everyone in the house became less and less afraid that he would break. Izzy was a healthy boy and continues to be. Now he's crawling and starting to walk. He's a big ball of energy that definitely gives my sister in law a run for her money. As he is approaching his first birthday, he has grown into a much bigger little boy than he was when he was first brought home, as he should be. You see, no one has major concerns about Izzy's health, because he is growing. Healthy things grow. If Izzy was still the same size today as he was the day he was brought home, everyone would have concerns. It would be obvious that something was not right.

The same is true of ourselves. Recently I have just taken a small look at where I am in my walk with God and where I am in my character and my attitude. I can honestly say I am not happy with what I see. If healthy things grow, I, by all means, am not healthy. The past year has been extremely difficult for me. My husband and I moved from Dallas, TX to a VERY small "farm town" in Pennsylvania so that my husband could take a position as a youth pastor. For those of you who have ever lived in or near a city, which I have my entire life, you can imagine that moving to a place where cow tipping could be a hobby is quite a crazy adjustment. We moved in with his parents because we had not had jobs secured when we made the move. Throughout the year we have faced financial difficulties, stresses of not having our own home and the stresses of not only working in ministry, but working with family in ministry, who don't always see eye to eye. Add on top of that the heartache we are working through dealing with infertility, when the one thing we both desire most is to be parents and the frustration of not having many friends here that we can lean on, gain support from and be encouraged by, I have really begun to drown in all of this.

As I look back on the past year, I would love to say that I have held tight to the Word of God, trusted Him and continued to stay strong. I'd like to say that I prayed through difficulties and that as a result my faith has increased and I have learned new things. I'd like to say that I remained a good example to the kids in our youth group and a great helper to my husband, but I can't really say any of that. As I look back on the past year, I realize that I can't really stand what I have become, although at the same time, what I have become has been quite comfortable for me.

My attitude is horrible. I'm pretty much angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, then I'm usually laughing, but mostly at the expensive of someone else. My language is horrible. I've become increasingly concerned with my looks and how people think about the way I look. Rather than seeking after God, or doing anything productive with my time when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I've distracted myself with Twitter, and boys bands on twitter and friends on Twitter. Don't get me wrong, I think its a great way to interact with people, but there is a time when things go too far. I've crossed the line in flirting. I've crossed the line in conversations with people and I've somehow reverted back to the person I was in HS- bitter, mean, and concerned only about being attractive and getting attention. And while its been and easy distraction, fun at times, and I've enjoyed the attention, it only satisfies for so long.

The easier thing to do, is usually not the thing that is best for us. I have always been one to look for the easy way out. I hate waiting. I hate difficulties and if that Staples easy button actually worked, I'd probably sell my left kidney to get one. The easy thing usually only satisfies for a moment and rarely has lasting results. The things that take time and effort or those that always satisfy more in the end. My husband always tells me that I want things in life to be like a microwave. I want a quick easy solution that gets me by. Sure, you can cook food in a microwave, but is it ever really THAT good? I mean, it satisfies in the moment, but compare it to a meal you make in a crock pot. That's a meal that's been slow cooking for 8 hours, with all the flavors marinating in it. Its a meal that satisfies. And while the microwave meal can get you by, it will never satisfy like the one in the crock pot.

I have spent the past year looking for quick solutions to my problems. Ive taken easy escapes from my frustrations. As a result Ive compromised my character and I've taken major steps backwards in my pursuit of God. And while I haven't completely turned my back on my faith, I have just been a poor example of a leader, and for that I repent. I've always desired to be a woman who could lead a generation of young girls by example, and this year I have failed in doing that. It's hard to look back on the past year and see that I've clung to everything but Christ in the difficult times, that I've failed to trust Him, when He has never failed to come trhough for me. Its hard to swallow, but at the same time, I find hope in looking forward to the future. I find peace in knowing that God's mercies are new each morning and that when we fall, we can get back up and keep moving forward. This year is a year I'm choosing the harder path, choosing to pursue joy in Christ rather than happiness in things that are fleeting. As my husband and I continue to face difficulties, I'm going to choose to trust God and have faith that we are standing on solid ground that will not crumble beneath us. It's a choice I know I will have to make each and every day, but I'm just tired of looking back at my life with regret. It's about time I trust God and look forward with hope.