Two years ago my husband and I decided to go to San Antonio, TX for our anniversary. Before our trip to San Antonio, I had each day planned out with what places we would visit and how much money we could spend in each place. The place I was most looking forward to seeing was Sea World. I was so excited to get to see all of the shows, ride the rides, see some dolphins and of course, try to get a close up with Shamu. I ordered our tickets ahead of time to make sure we didn't have to wait in line once we got there. On the day we were going to Sea World, I got Isaac up extra early so we could make it to Sea World before it opened. I wanted to be first in line, and we were. Once the gates opened up, we went inside, got a map of the park and schedule of show times and I began to plan out our entire day. After spending a few minutes looking at the map, I had calculated the order in which we would see different attractions and planned out the entire day so we could do everything. Isaac, of course, looked at me like I had 5 heads and tried to talk me into going with the flow, but he could see how badly I wanted to see everything and knew that I had made up in my mind the order in which I wanted to do it so he went along with my planned out day. We ended up having a wonderful time, probably one of the most fun days that I can remember and of course, we were able to do and see everything. My plan worked.
The problem, however, is that I attempt to live my entire life like this and I get in over my head. There isn't a single aspect of my life that I don't try to plan ahead on or figure out. I have our budget set up six months in advance (including possible alternate scenarios in case our situation changes) I run off of to-do lists. I organize my cleaning schedule, my cooking menu, and just about every aspect of my life down to the specific day that I chose to run certain errands. (Thursdays are food shopping days and if I visit the grocery store on a different day, those who know me best will question why) My obsessive need for organization and planning is both a gift, and a curse. I tend to excel at my job. I do administrative work and I'm able to figure out how to make my doctor's practice run better, organize the office and take care of all of the needs of the patients. My household is always in order. Our bills are payed on time and I have learned to strategically stretch every dollar that comes in. Planning and organization is probably one of my greatest strengths, but at the same time one of my greatest weaknesses.
In all of my planning and all of my organizing, I tend to forget to rely on God. I spend all of my days trying to figure out how to make things work, that I don't realize that many of the things in my life aren't meant to be figured out, but that I'm meant to just trust God with them. This is so difficult for me. I like to know whats going on. I like to have a plan and I like to know how everything is going to work out. God, however, doesn't always like to give me all of the details and I've struggled with this for years. When I can't figure something out, or when I can't make it work, anxiety sets in and causes me to panic. I hate the feeling of not being in control. I hate the feeling of not knowing whats next, and in that I feel like I've missed out on what can be a very exciting life. I want to learn to love the feeling of not knowing, because even if I don't know whats next, I know the One who does know whats next. I want to live my life in peace knowing that all though I don't have it all figured out, I know the One who has not only figured it all out, but actually made the plans himself. My greatest desire is to live my life in freedom from the anxiety of not knowing. It's so hard for me. There is so much uncertainty in my life and I tend to focus on those things rather than what is certain. It's uncertain when my husband will be able to start working in New Jersey and will be here every day, instead of 3 days a week. Its uncertain if or when we will ever have children. Its uncertain of when and where we will start working in ministry again. Its uncertain if we will ever be able to afford a home. Its uncertain we will live to see tomorrow. So much in our lives is uncertain, but rather than focusing on the uncertainties in life, I need to learn to focus on the One who is always certain, Jesus Christ. Although I don't know what life will bring, Jesus does and is holding me up through it all. Although I don't know how to get Isaac a job in NJ, Jesus does and He's preparing the way. Although I don't know if Isaac and I will ever be able to have children, Jesus does and until he reveals that to us, He is there to comfort the broken hearts of two people who want nothing more than to be parents. Although it's uncertain when and where Isaac and I will end up next in ministry, Jesus is preparing us for that next place and He is preparing the way for us. My prayer for myself is to let go of the fear of the things that are uncertain and to trust fully in the one who is always certain. I can by all means use my gifts in administration to plan and organize the things that I can, but there comes a time that once I've done everything I can do, its time to sit back and trust God to do everything that I can't do. I need to let go of trying to figure everything out, and instead hold tight to Jesus who will never leave me, forsake me, or fail me. I may not have all the answers, but I know the One who does, and its time I learn to trust him more and rely on myself less.
This song pretty much sums it up...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K-d85ifVSU&feature=related
