My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am. I hit the snooze button, and closed my eyes again, as if 10 extra minutes would really make a difference. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, the alarm went off again and I felt no more rested than I did 10 minute earlier. I decided that I needed to get up and get breakfast started so I stretched a little bit, threw the blankets off of myself and took the first steps to get out of bed. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, and like every morning, set my feet on the floor and walked to the kitchen. This is a routine for me every morning. This morning I started thinking about it though. There is never a single day that goes by, that I think about, nor doubt, that when I step onto my bedroom floor, that my feet will be planted on solid ground. I'm never shocked that instead of hovering about the ground and floating up to the ceiling, that I stay planted firmly on the ground. Why? Well for one I passed 5th grade science, and I'm pretty aware of the laws of gravity. I've never seen gravity, yet I'm confident that its there and I see it playing out in the world around me. There's never a moment of my life that I have ever doubted that at some point gravity would not come through and we would all float into space. Even when natural disasters strike; no earthquake, hurricane, tornado, flood or volcano will ever change the fact that gravity holds us all into place.
I am finding that I sometimes need to remind myself that the same thing is true with God. The same way that I am confident each morning that I will get out of bed and my feet will be planted on solid ground, I need to remind myself daily that God is holding me firmly in the grip of His Grace and that every day as I walk with Him, my feet are planted on solid ground. Its beens so difficult for me to remember this lately. I often find myself doubting God when its hard to see Him moving. It seems like one thing after another piling up. A few years ago, my husband and I found out that our chances of ever conceiving a child are only about 5%. This was probably one of the most devastating things I had ever heard. I have always desired to be a mom and seeing that dream begin to grumble before my eyes nearly destroyed me. It caused me to doubt. It caused me anger. It caused me to push people out of my life, and at first, caused me to push God away and refuse to run to him for comfort. It was a devastating blow. Shortly after that, I learned that my dad and my stepmom were getting divorced. It had been hard enough to deal with the divorce of my parents at 10 years old, and after 16 years of letting another family into my life and making them my own, loving them unconditionally, it was being ripped apart, and at 26, I felt like I was reliving the pain of my childhood. On top of that, I watched my 11 yr old sister and 6 year old brother have to suffer through what I did as a child. Recently I visited the house that my family once lived in, where we were once happy, and it broke my heart to see walls falling down and things left everywhere. It was a completele representation of my family; falling apart, and there was nothing I could do about it. I broke down and cried as I stood there. Top this off with family deaths and the everyday struggles of being married to a youth pastor and trying to help teenage girls figure out how to manage through life, I've felt completely overwhelmed and completely alone. Until today, where I had to remind myself, that regardless of my circumstances, regardless of my sin, regardless of the pain, hurt and struggles of life, my feet are planted on solid ground in Jesus Christ and I am held firmly in the grip of His grace. It doesn't matter what storm comes my way, nothing will change the constant that is the love of God. Nothing will separate me from it. Its been 2 years since I found out the news that we may never have kids, and while the pain never completely goes away, I have learned that my God is good and that He will provide a way. I am learning that He is my comfort and He is my strength and that it would be easy to serve God if I always got wanted I wanted, but its a much harder thing to serve Him when everything falls apart; and sometimes, the harder thing is what is best for me. I am learning to trust Him in my family situation and know that He is in control of all things. I can trust that even though he may not bring restoration like I hope, He WILL restore all things. I'm learning that life is hard and that's okay. Each day I need to be reminded that no matter what, just like I am confident that when I step out of bed my feet will hit the floor, I can be confident that in all things, my feet are planted on solid ground and God holds me in the grip of His grace.
