Lately I have been feeling pretty blah. I wouldn't call myself depressed or anything, just maybe a little blue and undecided about my life. I feel like each day, I wake up, do the same thing, go to bed and then repeat it the next day. Maybe I'm just bored and maybe I'm just looking back at the past 27 years and wondering what in the world I have done so far. This probably isn't going to be an upbeat blog, but it is what it is. I'm 27 years old, married for 6 years and a pastor's wife, yet I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, what I want to do, and what my life is going to count for. I sacrificed ALOT to go to Bible school. As a young 19 year old girl, I was a fairly new Christian and all I really wanted to do was honor God, help impact someone's life and make my life count for something. Now, here I am, 8 years later, and I'm not sure if that's what I want at this moment. Maybe it's the fact that life is sometimes so boring that my highlight is when Joey Lawrence or Howie from the Backstreet Boys tweets me. Maybe its that I'm getting frustrated having to count each penny every day to pay our bills and hope that I can save up to do something exciting (I know good and well that had my husband and I went to school for something other than the ministry, our finances would probably be in much better shape) Or Maybe it's that the stress of actually working in ministry is far more than I ever expected and at the moment we are still a pretty small ministry. My guess it's all of the above. Before I went to Bible school, before I chose this life, I don't think I ever actually sat back and counted the cost. And now, I'm smack in the middle of how much it really costs and I'm frustrated and wondering if this is really the life I wanted. I've avoided writing this blog for a while. I'm not sure right now, whether I'll actually send it out for everyone to read. I feel like as a preacher's wife, I'm supposed to fit this mold where I have it all together and I say the right things. I feel like I shouldn't have struggles like this, like I shouldn't care about things like boy bands and clothing. Truth is, I think I'm really struggling to just be myself. I have a tendancy to swing from one extreme to another. I either end up putting on a happy face and trying to appear as holy and put together as possible and make sure I follow all the rules. Or, I go to the other extreme and do things that clearly don't honor God, simply because I don't want to have to fit into this perfect mold or be the person that everyone expects me to be. Recently a friend said something to me and it really stuck. This friend said "Sam, you are not being true to yourself. You spend all of your time trying to be exactly what everyone else expects you to be and at the core of it, this is not the person you are. Its like a tootsie pop. The shell tastes one way, but once you get past the exterior, there's a completely different flavor in there" That pretty much sums it up for me. On the outisde, I am one way, but at the very heart of me, I think I'm a completely different person that most people see. Don't get me wrong. I don't always try to put on a show for people. There is nothing fake about my Italian Jersey Attitude or my unhealthy love for boybands. But there's so much to me that's deeper than anyone knows. Most people outside of the church have no clue about my heart for God. Most people inside the church know nothing about my struggles and "worldy" desires. I feel like in both places, I'm only being half of who I really am. So maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I just need to learn that it's okay to take some time, figure out exactly who I am and what I want. And maybe its time that I stop being concerned about what anyone will think about me because of my choices and because of who I really am. I never really just embrace who I am... So here it is.. a list of some things about me. Take it or leave it, but at this moment, this is exactly who Samantha Rose Valentin is:
-I'm an Italian from Jersey and I've got the attitude to prove it
-I have an extremely unhealthy love for boybands (but I sort of love the obsession)
-I'm completely insecure about the way I look and I care way too much what people think
-I sometimes stare at my eyes in the mirror and feel happy that God gave me beautiful green eyes. Its the only feature about myself that I love
-If you don't notice me, I assume its because something is wrong with me
-I would do pretty much anything to please someone, sometimes even things that are borderline immoral.
-I get anxious on a pretty regular basis
-I think I have CDO, which is like OCD, but in alphabetical order, as it should be (hehehe)
-I have an unhealthy obsession with brownies.
-I love to sing and wish I could do it professionally, but I'm afraid if I try, I may fail
-I'm obsessed with my dog and I've convinced she is a human. (yes I let her lick my lips!)
-I have trouble saying "No" to everyone, except my husband. For some reason it's easy to say it to him
-I regret most of my past relationships and still deal with a lot of the heartache from them today
- I have started writing a book about my life at least 5 times and keep getting stuck
- I love sweat pants and pajamas. If it were socially acceptable, I would walk around in them all day, every day
- I believe that Jesus Christ died because I am a sinner and that the only way I can be saved is through faith in Him
-I'm learning to trust that even though my faith fails regularly, God's is still faithful
-I miss the days when I feel like I loved God more and I enjoy being in church, reading my Bible, and praying. Sometimes I fear that love will never come back.
- I love to dance, but I dance like your typical white girl.
- I could watch TV for hours and not care that I wasted the day
- I want to help young girls navigate through life, and I hope they won't make the same mistakes I made, and at times, that I still make.
- I am addicted to twitter
- I'm actually a pretty good actress and if I had the time of day, I'd love to go on some auditions
- My laugh is funny and my smile is pretty
- I'm an old fashioned girl that hates that she has to go to work every day because I'd rather stay home and cook, clean and raise kids
- I've always wanted to be a mom, but found out that there's only a 5% chance of that ever happening. I try to put on a brave face, but inside it still kills me
-I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. Once I make a decision, I will question it
-Christmas is my favorite time of year. I LOVE buying gifts for people and seeing them wrapped up under the tree
-I'm still not sure exactly what I want my life to look like, but I'm thinking now is a time to make some decisions and push forward
That's about all I can think of at the moment, but you get the picture. This is me. Take me or leave me, but I've gotta learn that it's okay to embrace who I am and remember that I am a work in progress.
