The One Who Left me Fatherless

Hey all! This is just a brief look into a chapter in a book on my life that I'm writing called "The One" As I post more, just remember that Nothing is written in chronological order, but it is a bunch of short stories, based on men I encountered as a teenager who was looking for love.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

“Daddy, will you love me?”

“I already love you.”

“How do I know that you love me?”

“Because you are my little girl”

“What can I do to make you love me more?”

“There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less”

For a good part of my childhood, I never really doubted my daddy’s love for me and when we would have conversations like the one above, I never doubted that my dad was telling the truth. As a little girl, he always made me feel special, like I was the most important person in the world. He would take me on special breakfast dates, let me skip school to spend time with him at work, sneak me out to the arcades during family vacations, and sing me to sleep every night. I remember specifically a time when I was 7 when he took me to dinner and then to get my ears pierced for the very first time. I remember sitting in the chair, looking at my daddy and feeling completely secure in his love. I remember as he watched me pick out a pair of butterfly earrings and the way he looked at me when I put them on, as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember having the most fun as a little girl by creating performances with my sister and putting on shows for daddy. I found so much joy in performing for him, not because I wanted to make him love me, but simply because I knew he did. My relationship with my daddy was special. I treasured it. I felt completely secure in his love for me, until the day he left. That day, he became the first of many men to break my heart. He was the one who left me Fatherless.

I remember so clearly the day that he left. He actually took me with him, yet only for a moment. He told my sister, my brother and me that we were going on an adventure for the weekend. My mom packed our stuff, but she did not pack hers. I was concerned that she wasn’t coming, but not too much that it diminished my excitement. I could not wait to spend time with him because I did not yet know that he would be the one who would leave me fatherless. Yet as the events of the day unfolded, my heart would be shattered and my life would never be the same. The four of us got into his car and headed out for our adventure. As we began, I was sure we were going to an amusement park. He seemed to be heading up that way on the highway, but I quickly realized that I was mistaken as we turned off an unfamiliar exit. My siblings and I were silent on the ride. My dad was also silent, until we pulled up to an unknown apartment complex and he explained that he would be living there from now on. From that moment on, I was completely broken.

The divorce of my parents completely changed my relationship with my dad. I went from having complete security in the love of my daddy, believing that he would be with me always, to having no confidence in a man who would now only see me every other weekend. As an adult, I understand that when parents divorce, there is always some sort of custody agreement where the father usually only sees the children every other weekend and on various holiday. However, as a 10 year old, I knew only that I was abandoned by my daddy.

The years progressed and we grew further apart. I resented him for leaving me and I resented his new life. My dad had a new girlfriend, who had children and it seemed they were making a new family. I didn’t much want to be part of it and I dreaded our “every other weekend visits.” Many events transpired, most of which were the result of my acting out, and eventually we entered into a period of time where we no longer saw each other, nor could we have a conversation without him yelling or me crying. Initially I didn’t care. He did, after all, leave me fatherless, and I thought I didn’t need him in my life. Yet as the years continued, without the love I once I had from him, I began to look for it in other places and it was then that I started asking the question to many different people; “Will you be the one to love me?”