One, Two, Three: Is This Really For Me?

When my husband and I were going into our second year of college, we decided that we needed to buy a new car. Although the car we had probably had a few more months in her and was paid off, we felt like we were at a point where we needed an upgrade. We had enough money for a down payment on a car and decided that we were going to trade in our car and finance a newer used one. I figured that we had a little bit of money coming to us and even though my husband, Isaac, was currently unemployed, my paycheck would be enough to cover the payments. Besides, we trusted God and we KNEW that God would just provide Isaac a job soon. We made our first few car payments and everything seemed to be going fine, until the car broke down. The repairs ended up costing us $1200, which wiped out our savings account and it took about a week to fix the car. I was unable to get to work and ended up losing my job. We began missing car payments and were scrambling to find a way to pay our rent, buy food, make and make our school payments.
One morning, my husband left our apartment to go to school. Within a minute he called me and told me that our car was gone. We knew that 1 of 2 things happened. Either our car was stolen (Which was very likely in our neighborhood) or it was repossessed. I called the car dealership and sure enough, the car had been repossessed. We were at a loss of what to do. We felt hopeless. We discovered that it would cost us $500 to get our car out of repo and we did not have that money, nor could we continue to make the payments after we got our car back. My father offered to pay the $500 payment for us, but we realized that even if we got our car back, we still couldn't pay for school or rent and that we risked losing our apartment and we might have to live out of that car. We thanked my dad and asked him to instead put the money towards our school and rent, which he did. We spent the next year without a car.
My husband and I eventually found jobs that were on campus and we didn't need a car to get to work, Slowly our finances began to stabilize and although we had to borrow friend's cars to get around, we were able to have our bills paid and food on our table. It was one of the hardest years of our lives, but we had no one to blame but ourselves.

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it - lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:28-33)

Isaac and I were so determined to upgrade our car that we never really sat down and figured out if we could really afford what it would cost to get a newer car. We assumed we could afford the payments. We relied on money that was not yet there and never took into account that the car might break down. We made the mistake that many people make in their lives. We didn't count the cost.
I remember when I first started going to church and became a Christian. I was so excited to learn that there was a God that loved me and had forgiven all the craziness I had gotten myself into. I was so happy that Jesus cared about me enough that he was handling my problems. But I was also foolish enough to believe people who told me that serving God made life easy. In the beginning of my Christian walk, I made a lot of rash decisions without ever thinking about what it might cost me. I left friends behind, not realizing that someday I would miss them. I abandoned relationships, not knowing that someday I would still hurt from them. I chose Bible school, not realizing it wouldn't guarantee financial stability. I never took into consideration that following God was going to be hard and would cost me laying down a lot of my wants and desires for what God wanted. My husband and I decided to pursue going full time ministry, and never took into account that it would cost us a lot of our time, a lot of our money, and a lot of heartache and frustration. Eventually I ended up right smack in the middle of a crazy ministry and a difficult walk with God and I thought to myself, "This isn't what I signed up for" I actually felt pretty angry and overwhelmed. I was foolish enough to believe it would all be easy and when it wasn't, I began to think, "I want out." I was shocked to discover the difficulty of it all. Had I listened to and applied the verse above, I would still be in the same situation, but I wouldn't be as shocked about it.
Jesus is telling uas that we need to literally think about and consider what being a disciple is going to cost us. Its not going to be easy, but if you go in knowing that its not going to be easy, at the very least, you won't be shocked and blindsided when all hell literally breaks lose in your life. You already knew this is what it would cost and you are wiling to fight through it.
I think this is true of anything in our lives as well. Recently my husband and I decided we needed to get in shape. The first thing we did was talk about what it was going to cost us to get healthy. We would have to sacrifice food that we liked, give up fast food, wake up earlier to exercise and push ourselves in ways that are going to hurt. In the past, we have tried so many diets that failed, but I believe its because we never considered what it was going to cost us. We are going into this knowing it will be difficult and we won't be shocked when we wake up the morning after a hard work out feeling like we have just been hit by a Mack Truck. It's already expected and we are stocking up on Bengay.
Anything we do in life is going to cost us something. However, anytime we have to pay a price for something, we are going to be getting something of value in return. It's not all for nothing. When choosing to follow God, I've learned that its going to cost me everything, but in return, I gain everything. I gain eternal life. I gain the opportunity to help people and see lives changed. I gain the opportunity to be a part of something that is bigger than me.I And in dieting and exercising I am going to gain more confidence, be healthier, and lets be honest- hopefully and rocking bikini body.
Everything has a cost and everything has a reward. Life is going to be hard. The things we do and work for our going to be hard, but we are less shocked if we count the cost and anticipate it coming, Its quite possible that you may sit down, count the cost of something and determine its not for you, and that's okay too. But the idea is to know what we are getting ourselves into ahead of time, Then if we choose to go all in, we can keep up our endurance to finish and receive that reward. It really sucked that Isaac and I invested so much money into that car and in the end had nothing to show for it. Before getting into something, count the cost and make your investments worth something.

A Year of Regret

In about 2 months, my nephew Izzy is going to celebrate his first birthday. For the first 6 months of Izzy's life, I had the privilege to live under the same roof as him. When my sister in law and brother in law first brought him home, he was so tiny. You were almost afraid to hold him because you didn't want to break him. As the days, weeks and months went by Izzy began to get bigger and stronger and everyone in the house became less and less afraid that he would break. Izzy was a healthy boy and continues to be. Now he's crawling and starting to walk. He's a big ball of energy that definitely gives my sister in law a run for her money. As he is approaching his first birthday, he has grown into a much bigger little boy than he was when he was first brought home, as he should be. You see, no one has major concerns about Izzy's health, because he is growing. Healthy things grow. If Izzy was still the same size today as he was the day he was brought home, everyone would have concerns. It would be obvious that something was not right.

The same is true of ourselves. Recently I have just taken a small look at where I am in my walk with God and where I am in my character and my attitude. I can honestly say I am not happy with what I see. If healthy things grow, I, by all means, am not healthy. The past year has been extremely difficult for me. My husband and I moved from Dallas, TX to a VERY small "farm town" in Pennsylvania so that my husband could take a position as a youth pastor. For those of you who have ever lived in or near a city, which I have my entire life, you can imagine that moving to a place where cow tipping could be a hobby is quite a crazy adjustment. We moved in with his parents because we had not had jobs secured when we made the move. Throughout the year we have faced financial difficulties, stresses of not having our own home and the stresses of not only working in ministry, but working with family in ministry, who don't always see eye to eye. Add on top of that the heartache we are working through dealing with infertility, when the one thing we both desire most is to be parents and the frustration of not having many friends here that we can lean on, gain support from and be encouraged by, I have really begun to drown in all of this.

As I look back on the past year, I would love to say that I have held tight to the Word of God, trusted Him and continued to stay strong. I'd like to say that I prayed through difficulties and that as a result my faith has increased and I have learned new things. I'd like to say that I remained a good example to the kids in our youth group and a great helper to my husband, but I can't really say any of that. As I look back on the past year, I realize that I can't really stand what I have become, although at the same time, what I have become has been quite comfortable for me.

My attitude is horrible. I'm pretty much angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, then I'm usually laughing, but mostly at the expensive of someone else. My language is horrible. I've become increasingly concerned with my looks and how people think about the way I look. Rather than seeking after God, or doing anything productive with my time when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I've distracted myself with Twitter, and boys bands on twitter and friends on Twitter. Don't get me wrong, I think its a great way to interact with people, but there is a time when things go too far. I've crossed the line in flirting. I've crossed the line in conversations with people and I've somehow reverted back to the person I was in HS- bitter, mean, and concerned only about being attractive and getting attention. And while its been and easy distraction, fun at times, and I've enjoyed the attention, it only satisfies for so long.

The easier thing to do, is usually not the thing that is best for us. I have always been one to look for the easy way out. I hate waiting. I hate difficulties and if that Staples easy button actually worked, I'd probably sell my left kidney to get one. The easy thing usually only satisfies for a moment and rarely has lasting results. The things that take time and effort or those that always satisfy more in the end. My husband always tells me that I want things in life to be like a microwave. I want a quick easy solution that gets me by. Sure, you can cook food in a microwave, but is it ever really THAT good? I mean, it satisfies in the moment, but compare it to a meal you make in a crock pot. That's a meal that's been slow cooking for 8 hours, with all the flavors marinating in it. Its a meal that satisfies. And while the microwave meal can get you by, it will never satisfy like the one in the crock pot.

I have spent the past year looking for quick solutions to my problems. Ive taken easy escapes from my frustrations. As a result Ive compromised my character and I've taken major steps backwards in my pursuit of God. And while I haven't completely turned my back on my faith, I have just been a poor example of a leader, and for that I repent. I've always desired to be a woman who could lead a generation of young girls by example, and this year I have failed in doing that. It's hard to look back on the past year and see that I've clung to everything but Christ in the difficult times, that I've failed to trust Him, when He has never failed to come trhough for me. Its hard to swallow, but at the same time, I find hope in looking forward to the future. I find peace in knowing that God's mercies are new each morning and that when we fall, we can get back up and keep moving forward. This year is a year I'm choosing the harder path, choosing to pursue joy in Christ rather than happiness in things that are fleeting. As my husband and I continue to face difficulties, I'm going to choose to trust God and have faith that we are standing on solid ground that will not crumble beneath us. It's a choice I know I will have to make each and every day, but I'm just tired of looking back at my life with regret. It's about time I trust God and look forward with hope.

The Rear View Mirror

Has this ever happened to you: You are driving on the highway, and you check
your rear view mirror to see what’s behind you? (When I do I’m usually checking
for police.) Then, a short time later you realize that you have spent an unknown amount of time looking in the rear view mirror and haven’t paid much attention to what’s in front at all? This happens to me a lot. When I finally realize I’ve been looking behind me the whole time I feel a bit of anxiety wondering how the heck I didn’t have an accident and how exactly I got to where
I am. I have this horrible habit of constantly worrying about what is behind me
that I pay no attention to what is right in front of me. This is true of both my driving and my life
in general.
My past is extremely rocky, to say the least. I live my life with a lot of regrets and often find myself looking back and second guessing decisions I’ve made. I have a hard time letting go of people and I have a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. I often find myself
daydreaming about what could have been had I made a different choice. What if I hadn’t given the guy my phone number who would end up in prison and would ultimately shatter my heart? What if I hadn’t trusted the camp counselor that took advantage of a young girl’s crush on him? What if I didn’t allow my father leaving to be something that had driven me to desire to be with a man, any man, who promised to love me? What if I didn’t leave New Jersey after high school? What if I perused a career in music? What if I said “No” all the times I said “Yes?” The list could go on.
With as often as I look back, I constantly find myself missing out on what is right in
front of me. There are so many times when I snap back into the present that I look around at my life and wonder how in the world I got to where I am at. There’s so much going on right now and so much ahead in my future, but I don’t see any of it because I am constantly looking to my past and wondering how I can make it better. How can I undo the things I’ve done? How can I fix the mistakes that I’ve made? The fact of the matter is I can’t change a single thing I’ve done. I can’t fix my past. I can’t go back and relive experiences. I can’t say “No” when I’ve said “Yes” and I can’t do anything to change what’s gotten me to this point, right here and right now. What I can do, is take a look at what’s around me, forget focusing on all of the “What ifs” and start focusing on What Is.
Every decision I have made has gotten me right where I am today. Whether I like the
place I am at or not, there is nothing I can do to change how I’ve gotten here. However, I can learn from past mistakes. I can learn better decision making and I can press on towards my future. If I constantly spend time looking back, I risk missing out on an awesome future. There’s a lot of potential in my life, but if I’m constantly looking behind me, I am never going to see it. I have a tendency to use the phrase, “I don’t see how things can possibly turn out okay” Well of course I can’t see how it’s going to be okay, I’m constantly looking in the rear view mirror where things have never been okay.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead”- Philippians 3:13

I have made is my goal this year to do exactly that; forgetting what is behind and
straining towards what is ahead. I know it’s a difficult thing to do. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing. We all have regrets, but dwelling on them and wondering “what if” is not going to change anything. I don’t really like the idea of a “new year’s resolution” because they tend to be broken so easily. However, this year I am attempting to make some “life changing
decisions.” This would be one of those decisions. I can do nothing to change the things I’ve done or where my life has been up until this point. What I can do is forget about what I don’t have and forget about the mistakes I’ve made and focus on what I do have. I can look at where I want my life to be and start making choices that press on towards those goals. It’s so easy to sit back and daydream about what could have been. It’s much harder to get up and do something to change what can be. I’m going to choose this year to do that harder thing because up until this point, the easy road has gotten me nowhere.

The Value and Worth of a Woman

My name is Samantha Rose Valentin. I am 27 years old. I am an Italian Jersey girl, with the attitude to go with it. I am extemely organized. My books are arranged from biggest to smallest. My clothes are organized by color and style. I like pink and I love the NY Yankees. I pretty much rock in the kitchen and I'm a health enthusiast. I can sing. I can write. I can act. I once wrote a song that was played on the radio and I hope to someday publish a book. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me.

However, growing up, my parents never told me I was beautiful. I was never told I was valuable. I had no idea that I had anything of worth to offer this world. So, I believed the lie that many young girls believe today- that my worth was found in what I looked like and how I used my body to please guys. I spent the majority of my teen years trying to make myself look perfect and allowed myself to be used as a sexual object because I believed that that was where my value as a woman lied.

Now I honestly don’t believe that I woke up one day and said, “Looking perfect will make me beautiful and having sex will make me valuable.” I don’t think any of you have ever woken up and said that either. However, I do believe that those beliefs are so much a part of our culture, that we can’t help but have it engraphed into our brains. We can barely turn on a TV without an overwhelming sense of a woman being valued for her sexuality. Walk through any mall and you will see clothing designed specifically to entice men. Magazines telling woman all sorts of ways to be more pleasing to men surround us: And in those magazines, we are told that you must be tall, skinny, have perfect lips, perfect eyes, perfect skin, big breasts and dress in provocative clothing in order to be beautiful. The message we see? The more sexually and physically attractive a woman, the more valuable she is. A woman’s looks and sex appeal are what makes her significant and desirable.

Too many young girls, and even women, believe this lie and our actions will always reflect what we believe. I know this to be true from experience. I believed as a young girl, and even at times now struggle, with thinking that the only value I have is in sort of being cute and trying to be pleasing to a man. Because this was what I believed to be true about myself, my actions lined up with what I believed. As a teenager, my main focus was on working out, tanning, getting my hair and nails done, having the hottest outfits, and attracting any man I could. For most of my teenage years, I never thought I had anything to offer the world other than my body. I assumed I would get a job somewhere that required me to be cute and that was how I would survive. Because my identity and my value was wrapped up in how I looked and how I pleased men, my self confidence often fluctuated. If I had the attention of a man, I felt confident and secure. If I did not, I felt insecure and worthless. It wasn't until I surrendered my life to a man named Jesus that I learned where my value and worth actually lied- In Who I belonged to, and the price that Someone was willing to pay

When I surrendered my life to Jesus, I learned that I was actually a child of God; that I belonged to Him and to Him alone. Because I belonged to God, this gave me value.

When I was 15, I went to my very first concert- to see the Backstreet Boys. I had been in love with these guys for years and I was so excited to finally get to see them live. The best part- me and my friend's had seats in the 3rd row. The concert was incredible and I had the time of my life. I even got to leave with a special souvenir- Kevin's water bottle. Yup that's right. Towards the end of the concert, the guys water bottles were being tossed out to the girls- Clearly one of them had to be mine. Kevin's was tossed off the stage in my direction and I kid you not, I jumped over and knocked down at least a dozen girls to get that water bottle. I didn't care who I had to fight- that water bottle was mine. The thing is, it wasn't the water that made it valuable to me and it wasn't the plastic that held the water that made it valuable to me. It was who that water bottle belonged to that made it valuable to me. I have seen some of the most ridiculous things for sale on ebay. If I'm not mistaken, a lock of Justin Bieber's hair sold for a few thousand dollars. Who in the world spends thousands of dollars on hair?!(Seriously though- I would like to meet and slap this person) The thing is, hair is not valuable, but the person it belongs to gives it value.(For some unknown, ridiculous reason)

When you are a child of God, you are valuable because you belong to Him, Your value and worth is in the fact that you are His. He has created you exactly the way He wanted and He does not make mistakes. He did not create you to simply look good and please a man, but He created you to bring glory to Him by the way you live your life. He created you to bring Him glory by using your gifts and talents. It took me a long time to realize that there was more to me than just being sexy. Once I realized that I wasn't created to please man, I began to realize that there was so much more to me: I realized that my ability to sing wasn't just to be on stage and look sexy, but to share pieces of my life with people. I realized that I'm actually capable of speaking and writing. I learned that I have a story to tell that makes a different. I realized I have talents for cooking and teaching and I learned that there was so much more to Samantha Valentin than being cute. I learned that I had value because of Who I belonged to, That I was a child of God.

The second things I learned was that my value was found in the price that someone was willing to pay for me. Take the lock of Justin Bieber's hair- if no one was willing to pay top dollar for it, it would not be worth thousands. It has value because someone was willing to pay a price. However, had it not been Justin Bieber's hair, no one would be willing to pay that price. The two would go hand in hand. The same goes for our value and worth- We are valuable because Someone was willing to pay the ultimate price for us. That person was Jesus.

Jesus looked at our lives. He saw our sins. He saw our hurt. He saw our helplessness and He was willing to lay it all down for us. Jesus came to the earth, lived a sinless life and willingly laid down his life on the cross. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible and I think it describes what Jesus did for us beautifully "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."- Isaiah 53:5

The way I see it, we have more value than anything on earth, because the God who created us, was also willing to die for us. Our worth lies in the blood of Jesus and Jesus was willing to pay that price because we belong to Him. It hurts my heart to see young girls and women believe that our worth lies in anything less. I am still learning this and I hope that you can learn this as well. You are beautiful and unique. You have more to offer to the world than your looks and your body. Your value does not lie in your sexuality, but it lies in Who you belong to and the price that He was willing to pay.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

Hey all! This is just a brief look into a chapter in a book on my life that I'm writing called "The One" As I post more, just remember that Nothing is written in chronological order, but it is a bunch of short stories, based on men I encountered as a teenager who was looking for love.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

“Daddy, will you love me?”

“I already love you.”

“How do I know that you love me?”

“Because you are my little girl”

“What can I do to make you love me more?”

“There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less”

For a good part of my childhood, I never really doubted my daddy’s love for me and when we would have conversations like the one above, I never doubted that my dad was telling the truth. As a little girl, he always made me feel special, like I was the most important person in the world. He would take me on special breakfast dates, let me skip school to spend time with him at work, sneak me out to the arcades during family vacations, and sing me to sleep every night. I remember specifically a time when I was 7 when he took me to dinner and then to get my ears pierced for the very first time. I remember sitting in the chair, looking at my daddy and feeling completely secure in his love. I remember as he watched me pick out a pair of butterfly earrings and the way he looked at me when I put them on, as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember having the most fun as a little girl by creating performances with my sister and putting on shows for daddy. I found so much joy in performing for him, not because I wanted to make him love me, but simply because I knew he did. My relationship with my daddy was special. I treasured it. I felt completely secure in his love for me, until the day he left. That day, he became the first of many men to break my heart. He was the one who left me Fatherless.

I remember so clearly the day that he left. He actually took me with him, yet only for a moment. He told my sister, my brother and me that we were going on an adventure for the weekend. My mom packed our stuff, but she did not pack hers. I was concerned that she wasn’t coming, but not too much that it diminished my excitement. I could not wait to spend time with him because I did not yet know that he would be the one who would leave me fatherless. Yet as the events of the day unfolded, my heart would be shattered and my life would never be the same. The four of us got into his car and headed out for our adventure. As we began, I was sure we were going to an amusement park. He seemed to be heading up that way on the highway, but I quickly realized that I was mistaken as we turned off an unfamiliar exit. My siblings and I were silent on the ride. My dad was also silent, until we pulled up to an unknown apartment complex and he explained that he would be living there from now on. From that moment on, I was completely broken.

The divorce of my parents completely changed my relationship with my dad. I went from having complete security in the love of my daddy, believing that he would be with me always, to having no confidence in a man who would now only see me every other weekend. As an adult, I understand that when parents divorce, there is always some sort of custody agreement where the father usually only sees the children every other weekend and on various holiday. However, as a 10 year old, I knew only that I was abandoned by my daddy.

The years progressed and we grew further apart. I resented him for leaving me and I resented his new life. My dad had a new girlfriend, who had children and it seemed they were making a new family. I didn’t much want to be part of it and I dreaded our “every other weekend visits.” Many events transpired, most of which were the result of my acting out, and eventually we entered into a period of time where we no longer saw each other, nor could we have a conversation without him yelling or me crying. Initially I didn’t care. He did, after all, leave me fatherless, and I thought I didn’t need him in my life. Yet as the years continued, without the love I once I had from him, I began to look for it in other places and it was then that I started asking the question to many different people; “Will you be the one to love me?”