Fear

It was pointed out to me a few days ago that I haven't blogged in a while. The reason for this? I simply haven't felt I've had anything good or of value to say. In short, if I couldn't say anything that sounded good, then I decided to say nothing. I mean I don't want people to actually know that I might be having a hard time. However, I've decided to write about whatever is on my mind on a certain day...simply because writing is therapeutic for me and I want to be a writer, therefore it may be good for me to write no matter the circumstance. So here it is..the mask is off and this is Samantha in the rarest form.

Did you ever absolutely hate something about yourself, yet you have no clue how to change it? That's how I feel right now. I am a person driven by fear. Everything I do in life stems from fear. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of suffering. I'm afraid of destruction. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of the loss of family members. I am afraid of sickness. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm always afraid and with the way the election turned out I am more afraid than ever. The world we live in is progressively getting worse and at a rapid rate and it is terrifying to me. I don't know how to change it. I hate living in fear. I wish I could live in hope. I wish I could trust God in all situations, but it is difficult to trust God in difficult situations. No matter how much I pray or read my Bible, I am still afraid. I don't know how to fix it and I wish I could, but I can't seem to figure this thing out. This is a battle I've faced my entire life and I feel like no matter what I do or how much I try to move forward, I still remain in the exact same place I started. I know what the Bible says about trusting God. In my head I know that God can be trusted, but as I see this world getting worse and worse, I fear more and more. My heart sinks at the uncertainty of things. Yes, I know that I should be happy that things are getting worse. I mean that means we're closer to Jesus coming back right?. Yet I'm not happy. I'm terrified. This stuff is just plain scary and no matter what I do, I can't seem to stop being afraid. Seriously, I'm hoping some one has walked through this and can help me figure it out because I just can't seem to get this right. How do you have hope when everything within you is screaming to panic? I'm really not trying to complain or even feel sorry for myself. I fully understand that there are millions of people suffering way more than I am. I'm just trying to figure out how to overcome this fear so that I can live in freedom.