My life has taken quite the turn lately and to be quite honest- its terrifying. Within a matter of a month my marriage has ended, my stepfather has passed away and my biological father has decided to step away from my life. Its been quite the emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I've spent the past few weeks with a plethora of emotions that are hard to even describe. I have felt overwhelmed, scared, heartbroken, angry, sad, guilty, and sometimes even hopeful and excited for whats to come. However those moments of hope and excitement are often short lived and overwhelmed by one of my biggest fears- being alone. For the first time in 9 years, I am alone and it terrifies me. I have literally been through hell and back. Ive felt so torn down and beaten up that I often question who I am, what I'm capable of and what I have to offer the world. I've felt completely alone and have been taught for years that if I can't measure up to people's standards that I'm not worth their time, love and effort. I've wallowed in these thoughts for weeks. I've done things I normally wouldn't because of them. I've isolated myself from people I love. I've let my mind race with irrational fears. I've allowed myself to feel more depressed in the past few weeks than I've ever really felt in my life. I've believed the lies that things can't get better. I've put on a front that I'm doing okay when in reality, I've been completely terrified for my future. A few months ago, my future was certain. It was a crappy, miserable, abusive future, yet as unhealthy as that was I still found comfort in knowing that there was some sort of certainty in it. Now nothing is certain. I'm on my own and I've let the fear of being on my own completely paralyze my life. I've felt like my story ends here and I've acted as if my story ends here....
Lucky for me, God always has a way of grabbing me and finding ways to speak to me and remind me that everything is going to be okay. Today was a rough day. Everything came crashing down at once. Guilt of how I acted towards my stepdad before he passed away overwhelmed me. My marriage ending, unhealthy as it was, still bothered me knowing that 9 years of my life is over and the thought that my father has left me abandoned to deal with the pain of all of that was just too much. I really felt like I was losing it and the only person I could think to call was my former pastor in Dallas. That was kind of my first clue that maybe God still had a plan for me- that of all the people in my phone book- he would be the one I wanted to speak to. We had a nice talk. I was able to just let everything out. I told him everything- every stupid mistake I've made- every single unhealthy thing I've done to try and cope with the pain of life and still he told me- "Your story isn't over. God isn't done with you. He still has plans for you. It doesn't end here." With everything I've been though- every struggle I've had- every mistake I've made- every negative thought I've had, it really stuck with me to remember that no matter what "My story doesn't end here" A lot in my life has changed. A lot has made me feel like it's just over and life is hopeless, but I need to remind myself daily that my story doesn't end here. I'm still breathing and there's still hope. I have countless opportunities ahead of me. I can make choices to better my life. I can pull my life together. I can survive on my own. I can learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I can learn to be an overcomer. I can take each day as a new beginning- a new day to start something new. I've spent months feeling like my life is over, but maybe I need to look at things differently and remind myself that my life is beginning. I have a chance to start over. I have a chance to learn to be comfortable with myself. I have a chance to take all the negativity and all the thoughts of worthlessness from the past few years and turn them around to thoughts that are true and positive and beneficial. I have an opportunity to decide for myself exactly what I want for my life. I get to chose who I am going to be. I get to chose the direction my life will go. I get to chose to be happy. I get to chose to be confident without being torn down. I get to chose to love myself and who I am. More importantly I get to actually discover who I am because to be quite honest, I think a lot of me is still a big question mark. I can't pretend it will be easy. I think a lot of this is definitely much easier said than done. I've literally had to make a conscious effort to start reaching out to people who aren't going to let me sit around feeling miserable and hurt. I guess its not supposed to be easy though. Life is hard. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And the uncertainty of my future is absolutely terrifying. But I need to make a conscious decision to at least change the way I think about all of this. So I guess this is my step 1- Change my thoughts of it being over for me and fearing the future and turn those thoughts into ones of a new beginning, with new possibilities and new adventures. At least if I begin to change my though process, I can then begin to change my actions. One step at a time. Its not the end. Its a new beginning.
