Random Ramblings

Lately I have been feeling pretty blah. I wouldn't call myself depressed or anything, just maybe a little blue and undecided about my life. I feel like each day, I wake up, do the same thing, go to bed and then repeat it the next day. Maybe I'm just bored and maybe I'm just looking back at the past 27 years and wondering what in the world I have done so far. This probably isn't going to be an upbeat blog, but it is what it is. I'm 27 years old, married for 6 years and a pastor's wife, yet I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, what I want to do, and what my life is going to count for. I sacrificed ALOT to go to Bible school. As a young 19 year old girl, I was a fairly new Christian and all I really wanted to do was honor God, help impact someone's life and make my life count for something. Now, here I am, 8 years later, and I'm not sure if that's what I want at this moment. Maybe it's the fact that life is sometimes so boring that my highlight is when Joey Lawrence or Howie from the Backstreet Boys tweets me. Maybe its that I'm getting frustrated having to count each penny every day to pay our bills and hope that I can save up to do something exciting (I know good and well that had my husband and I went to school for something other than the ministry, our finances would probably be in much better shape) Or Maybe it's that the stress of actually working in ministry is far more than I ever expected and at the moment we are still a pretty small ministry. My guess it's all of the above. Before I went to Bible school, before I chose this life, I don't think I ever actually sat back and counted the cost. And now, I'm smack in the middle of how much it really costs and I'm frustrated and wondering if this is really the life I wanted. I've avoided writing this blog for a while. I'm not sure right now, whether I'll actually send it out for everyone to read. I feel like as a preacher's wife, I'm supposed to fit this mold where I have it all together and I say the right things. I feel like I shouldn't have struggles like this, like I shouldn't care about things like boy bands and clothing. Truth is, I think I'm really struggling to just be myself. I have a tendancy to swing from one extreme to another. I either end up putting on a happy face and trying to appear as holy and put together as possible and make sure I follow all the rules. Or, I go to the other extreme and do things that clearly don't honor God, simply because I don't want to have to fit into this perfect mold or be the person that everyone expects me to be. Recently a friend said something to me and it really stuck. This friend said "Sam, you are not being true to yourself. You spend all of your time trying to be exactly what everyone else expects you to be and at the core of it, this is not the person you are. Its like a tootsie pop. The shell tastes one way, but once you get past the exterior, there's a completely different flavor in there" That pretty much sums it up for me. On the outisde, I am one way, but at the very heart of me, I think I'm a completely different person that most people see. Don't get me wrong. I don't always try to put on a show for people. There is nothing fake about my Italian Jersey Attitude or my unhealthy love for boybands. But there's so much to me that's deeper than anyone knows. Most people outside of the church have no clue about my heart for God. Most people inside the church know nothing about my struggles and "worldy" desires. I feel like in both places, I'm only being half of who I really am. So maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I just need to learn that it's okay to take some time, figure out exactly who I am and what I want. And maybe its time that I stop being concerned about what anyone will think about me because of my choices and because of who I really am. I never really just embrace who I am... So here it is.. a list of some things about me. Take it or leave it, but at this moment, this is exactly who Samantha Rose Valentin is:

-I'm an Italian from Jersey and I've got the attitude to prove it

-I have an extremely unhealthy love for boybands (but I sort of love the obsession)

-I'm completely insecure about the way I look and I care way too much what people think

-I sometimes stare at my eyes in the mirror and feel happy that God gave me beautiful green eyes. Its the only feature about myself that I love

-If you don't notice me, I assume its because something is wrong with me

-I would do pretty much anything to please someone, sometimes even things that are borderline immoral.

-I get anxious on a pretty regular basis

-I think I have CDO, which is like OCD, but in alphabetical order, as it should be (hehehe)

-I have an unhealthy obsession with brownies.

-I love to sing and wish I could do it professionally, but I'm afraid if I try, I may fail

-I'm obsessed with my dog and I've convinced she is a human. (yes I let her lick my lips!)

-I have trouble saying "No" to everyone, except my husband. For some reason it's easy to say it to him

-I regret most of my past relationships and still deal with a lot of the heartache from them today

- I have started writing a book about my life at least 5 times and keep getting stuck

- I love sweat pants and pajamas. If it were socially acceptable, I would walk around in them all day, every day

- I believe that Jesus Christ died because I am a sinner and that the only way I can be saved is through faith in Him

-I'm learning to trust that even though my faith fails regularly, God's is still faithful

-I miss the days when I feel like I loved God more and I enjoy being in church, reading my Bible, and praying. Sometimes I fear that love will never come back.

- I love to dance, but I dance like your typical white girl.

- I could watch TV for hours and not care that I wasted the day

- I want to help young girls navigate through life, and I hope they won't make the same mistakes I made, and at times, that I still make.

- I am addicted to twitter

- I'm actually a pretty good actress and if I had the time of day, I'd love to go on some auditions

- My laugh is funny and my smile is pretty

- I'm an old fashioned girl that hates that she has to go to work every day because I'd rather stay home and cook, clean and raise kids

- I've always wanted to be a mom, but found out that there's only a 5% chance of that ever happening. I try to put on a brave face, but inside it still kills me

-I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. Once I make a decision, I will question it

-Christmas is my favorite time of year. I LOVE buying gifts for people and seeing them wrapped up under the tree

-I'm still not sure exactly what I want my life to look like, but I'm thinking now is a time to make some decisions and push forward

That's about all I can think of at the moment, but you get the picture. This is me. Take me or leave me, but I've gotta learn that it's okay to embrace who I am and remember that I am a work in progress.

Approval Addict

     This blog post has been a long time coming and is probably
one of the most difficult ones to write, mainly because it causes
me to actually admit I have a weakness and recognize that being perfect
just isn't possible. I can almost guarantee that after posting this blog,
I will start to wonder what all of you think.The reason for this is
because I am a complete approval addict. I thrive on the approval of others
and I dwell on anything I perceive to be disapproval.    
  I'm not sure exactly where all of this started. Maybe I have daddy issues
because my dad left and wasn't there for me. Maybe it has something to do
with being made fun of so badly in middle school that by the time I got
to high school I swore I would do whatever it took to be sure no one made
fun of me again. Where ever it started, its something that has become such
an addictive part of my life that its like a drug. There are literally times
when I feel like I haven't gotten my "approval fix" and my day will seem to
drag. I may even feel depressed. But as soon as someone compliments or affirms
me, my mood will change and I'll feel great again.    
   It took me a few years to really recognize the issue, but now more than
ever I am completely aware of how much it affects my life. I'm trying to
learn that its okay to be comfortable with who I am regardless of what others
may think about me. I have to remind myself daily that God says I am
"fearfully and wonderfully made" Regardless of the opinions of others, I have
been created exactly the way I was supposed to be created and no mistake was
made. I'm trying to teach myself to be confident in who I am and who I am
becoming. My husband reminds me daily that he loves me and accepts me and so
does God. I have no idea why I value to opinions of others so much, even the
people I don't even know. But everyday is a new day to grow, a new day to
learn and a new day to let go of my need to be approved by others. I think its
going to be a long journey, but I trust that God holds me tightly in
the grip of His grace and that "he who has begun this good work in me will
continue it until completion"

Feet Planted on Solid Ground

My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am. I hit the snooze button, and closed my eyes again, as if 10 extra minutes would really make a difference. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, the alarm went off again and I felt no more rested than I did 10 minute earlier. I decided that I needed to get up and get breakfast started so I stretched a little bit, threw the blankets off of myself and took the first steps to get out of bed. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, and like every morning, set my feet on the floor and walked to the kitchen. This is a routine for me every morning. This morning I started thinking about it though. There is never a single day that goes by, that I think about, nor doubt, that when I step onto my bedroom floor, that my feet will be planted on solid ground. I'm never shocked that instead of hovering about the ground and floating up to the ceiling, that I stay planted firmly on the ground. Why? Well for one I passed 5th grade science, and I'm pretty aware of the laws of gravity. I've never seen gravity, yet I'm confident that its there and I see it playing out in the world around me. There's never a moment of my life that I have ever doubted that at some point gravity would not come through and we would all float into space. Even when natural disasters strike; no earthquake, hurricane, tornado, flood or volcano will ever change the fact that gravity holds us all into place.
I am finding that I sometimes need to remind myself that the same thing is true with God. The same way that I am confident each morning that I will get out of bed and my feet will be planted on solid ground, I need to remind myself daily that God is holding me firmly in the grip of His Grace and that every day as I walk with Him, my feet are planted on solid ground. Its beens so difficult for me to remember this lately. I often find myself doubting God when its hard to see Him moving. It seems like one thing after another piling up. A few years ago, my husband and I found out that our chances of ever conceiving a child are only about 5%. This was probably one of the most devastating things I had ever heard. I have always desired to be a mom and seeing that dream begin to grumble before my eyes nearly destroyed me. It caused me to doubt. It caused me anger. It caused me to push people out of my life, and at first, caused me to push God away and refuse to run to him for comfort. It was a devastating blow. Shortly after that, I learned that my dad and my stepmom were getting divorced. It had been hard enough to deal with the divorce of my parents at 10 years old, and after 16 years of letting another family into my life and making them my own, loving them unconditionally, it was being ripped apart, and at 26, I felt like I was reliving the pain of my childhood. On top of that, I watched my 11 yr old sister and 6 year old brother have to suffer through what I did as a child. Recently I visited the house that my family once lived in, where we were once happy, and it broke my heart to see walls falling down and things left everywhere. It was a completele representation of my family; falling apart, and there was nothing I could do about it. I broke down and cried as I stood there. Top this off with family deaths and the everyday struggles of being married to a youth pastor and trying to help teenage girls figure out how to manage through life, I've felt completely overwhelmed and completely alone. Until today, where I had to remind myself, that regardless of my circumstances, regardless of my sin, regardless of the pain, hurt and struggles of life, my feet are planted on solid ground in Jesus Christ and I am held firmly in the grip of His grace. It doesn't matter what storm comes my way, nothing will change the constant that is the love of God. Nothing will separate me from it. Its been 2 years since I found out the news that we may never have kids, and while the pain never completely goes away, I have learned that my God is good and that He will provide a way. I am learning that He is my comfort and He is my strength and that it would be easy to serve God if I always got wanted I wanted, but its a much harder thing to serve Him when everything falls apart; and sometimes, the harder thing is what is best for me. I am learning to trust Him in my family situation and know that He is in control of all things. I can trust that even though he may not bring restoration like I hope, He WILL restore all things. I'm learning that life is hard and that's okay. Each day I need to be reminded that no matter what, just like I am confident that when I step out of bed my feet will hit the floor, I can be confident that in all things, my feet are planted on solid ground and God holds me in the grip of His grace.