The Value and Worth of a Woman

My name is Samantha Rose Valentin. I am 27 years old. I am an Italian Jersey girl, with the attitude to go with it. I am extemely organized. My books are arranged from biggest to smallest. My clothes are organized by color and style. I like pink and I love the NY Yankees. I pretty much rock in the kitchen and I'm a health enthusiast. I can sing. I can write. I can act. I once wrote a song that was played on the radio and I hope to someday publish a book. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me.

However, growing up, my parents never told me I was beautiful. I was never told I was valuable. I had no idea that I had anything of worth to offer this world. So, I believed the lie that many young girls believe today- that my worth was found in what I looked like and how I used my body to please guys. I spent the majority of my teen years trying to make myself look perfect and allowed myself to be used as a sexual object because I believed that that was where my value as a woman lied.

Now I honestly don’t believe that I woke up one day and said, “Looking perfect will make me beautiful and having sex will make me valuable.” I don’t think any of you have ever woken up and said that either. However, I do believe that those beliefs are so much a part of our culture, that we can’t help but have it engraphed into our brains. We can barely turn on a TV without an overwhelming sense of a woman being valued for her sexuality. Walk through any mall and you will see clothing designed specifically to entice men. Magazines telling woman all sorts of ways to be more pleasing to men surround us: And in those magazines, we are told that you must be tall, skinny, have perfect lips, perfect eyes, perfect skin, big breasts and dress in provocative clothing in order to be beautiful. The message we see? The more sexually and physically attractive a woman, the more valuable she is. A woman’s looks and sex appeal are what makes her significant and desirable.

Too many young girls, and even women, believe this lie and our actions will always reflect what we believe. I know this to be true from experience. I believed as a young girl, and even at times now struggle, with thinking that the only value I have is in sort of being cute and trying to be pleasing to a man. Because this was what I believed to be true about myself, my actions lined up with what I believed. As a teenager, my main focus was on working out, tanning, getting my hair and nails done, having the hottest outfits, and attracting any man I could. For most of my teenage years, I never thought I had anything to offer the world other than my body. I assumed I would get a job somewhere that required me to be cute and that was how I would survive. Because my identity and my value was wrapped up in how I looked and how I pleased men, my self confidence often fluctuated. If I had the attention of a man, I felt confident and secure. If I did not, I felt insecure and worthless. It wasn't until I surrendered my life to a man named Jesus that I learned where my value and worth actually lied- In Who I belonged to, and the price that Someone was willing to pay

When I surrendered my life to Jesus, I learned that I was actually a child of God; that I belonged to Him and to Him alone. Because I belonged to God, this gave me value.

When I was 15, I went to my very first concert- to see the Backstreet Boys. I had been in love with these guys for years and I was so excited to finally get to see them live. The best part- me and my friend's had seats in the 3rd row. The concert was incredible and I had the time of my life. I even got to leave with a special souvenir- Kevin's water bottle. Yup that's right. Towards the end of the concert, the guys water bottles were being tossed out to the girls- Clearly one of them had to be mine. Kevin's was tossed off the stage in my direction and I kid you not, I jumped over and knocked down at least a dozen girls to get that water bottle. I didn't care who I had to fight- that water bottle was mine. The thing is, it wasn't the water that made it valuable to me and it wasn't the plastic that held the water that made it valuable to me. It was who that water bottle belonged to that made it valuable to me. I have seen some of the most ridiculous things for sale on ebay. If I'm not mistaken, a lock of Justin Bieber's hair sold for a few thousand dollars. Who in the world spends thousands of dollars on hair?!(Seriously though- I would like to meet and slap this person) The thing is, hair is not valuable, but the person it belongs to gives it value.(For some unknown, ridiculous reason)

When you are a child of God, you are valuable because you belong to Him, Your value and worth is in the fact that you are His. He has created you exactly the way He wanted and He does not make mistakes. He did not create you to simply look good and please a man, but He created you to bring glory to Him by the way you live your life. He created you to bring Him glory by using your gifts and talents. It took me a long time to realize that there was more to me than just being sexy. Once I realized that I wasn't created to please man, I began to realize that there was so much more to me: I realized that my ability to sing wasn't just to be on stage and look sexy, but to share pieces of my life with people. I realized that I'm actually capable of speaking and writing. I learned that I have a story to tell that makes a different. I realized I have talents for cooking and teaching and I learned that there was so much more to Samantha Valentin than being cute. I learned that I had value because of Who I belonged to, That I was a child of God.

The second things I learned was that my value was found in the price that someone was willing to pay for me. Take the lock of Justin Bieber's hair- if no one was willing to pay top dollar for it, it would not be worth thousands. It has value because someone was willing to pay a price. However, had it not been Justin Bieber's hair, no one would be willing to pay that price. The two would go hand in hand. The same goes for our value and worth- We are valuable because Someone was willing to pay the ultimate price for us. That person was Jesus.

Jesus looked at our lives. He saw our sins. He saw our hurt. He saw our helplessness and He was willing to lay it all down for us. Jesus came to the earth, lived a sinless life and willingly laid down his life on the cross. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible and I think it describes what Jesus did for us beautifully "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."- Isaiah 53:5

The way I see it, we have more value than anything on earth, because the God who created us, was also willing to die for us. Our worth lies in the blood of Jesus and Jesus was willing to pay that price because we belong to Him. It hurts my heart to see young girls and women believe that our worth lies in anything less. I am still learning this and I hope that you can learn this as well. You are beautiful and unique. You have more to offer to the world than your looks and your body. Your value does not lie in your sexuality, but it lies in Who you belong to and the price that He was willing to pay.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

Hey all! This is just a brief look into a chapter in a book on my life that I'm writing called "The One" As I post more, just remember that Nothing is written in chronological order, but it is a bunch of short stories, based on men I encountered as a teenager who was looking for love.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

“Daddy, will you love me?”

“I already love you.”

“How do I know that you love me?”

“Because you are my little girl”

“What can I do to make you love me more?”

“There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less”

For a good part of my childhood, I never really doubted my daddy’s love for me and when we would have conversations like the one above, I never doubted that my dad was telling the truth. As a little girl, he always made me feel special, like I was the most important person in the world. He would take me on special breakfast dates, let me skip school to spend time with him at work, sneak me out to the arcades during family vacations, and sing me to sleep every night. I remember specifically a time when I was 7 when he took me to dinner and then to get my ears pierced for the very first time. I remember sitting in the chair, looking at my daddy and feeling completely secure in his love. I remember as he watched me pick out a pair of butterfly earrings and the way he looked at me when I put them on, as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember having the most fun as a little girl by creating performances with my sister and putting on shows for daddy. I found so much joy in performing for him, not because I wanted to make him love me, but simply because I knew he did. My relationship with my daddy was special. I treasured it. I felt completely secure in his love for me, until the day he left. That day, he became the first of many men to break my heart. He was the one who left me Fatherless.

I remember so clearly the day that he left. He actually took me with him, yet only for a moment. He told my sister, my brother and me that we were going on an adventure for the weekend. My mom packed our stuff, but she did not pack hers. I was concerned that she wasn’t coming, but not too much that it diminished my excitement. I could not wait to spend time with him because I did not yet know that he would be the one who would leave me fatherless. Yet as the events of the day unfolded, my heart would be shattered and my life would never be the same. The four of us got into his car and headed out for our adventure. As we began, I was sure we were going to an amusement park. He seemed to be heading up that way on the highway, but I quickly realized that I was mistaken as we turned off an unfamiliar exit. My siblings and I were silent on the ride. My dad was also silent, until we pulled up to an unknown apartment complex and he explained that he would be living there from now on. From that moment on, I was completely broken.

The divorce of my parents completely changed my relationship with my dad. I went from having complete security in the love of my daddy, believing that he would be with me always, to having no confidence in a man who would now only see me every other weekend. As an adult, I understand that when parents divorce, there is always some sort of custody agreement where the father usually only sees the children every other weekend and on various holiday. However, as a 10 year old, I knew only that I was abandoned by my daddy.

The years progressed and we grew further apart. I resented him for leaving me and I resented his new life. My dad had a new girlfriend, who had children and it seemed they were making a new family. I didn’t much want to be part of it and I dreaded our “every other weekend visits.” Many events transpired, most of which were the result of my acting out, and eventually we entered into a period of time where we no longer saw each other, nor could we have a conversation without him yelling or me crying. Initially I didn’t care. He did, after all, leave me fatherless, and I thought I didn’t need him in my life. Yet as the years continued, without the love I once I had from him, I began to look for it in other places and it was then that I started asking the question to many different people; “Will you be the one to love me?”

Random Ramblings

Lately I have been feeling pretty blah. I wouldn't call myself depressed or anything, just maybe a little blue and undecided about my life. I feel like each day, I wake up, do the same thing, go to bed and then repeat it the next day. Maybe I'm just bored and maybe I'm just looking back at the past 27 years and wondering what in the world I have done so far. This probably isn't going to be an upbeat blog, but it is what it is. I'm 27 years old, married for 6 years and a pastor's wife, yet I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, what I want to do, and what my life is going to count for. I sacrificed ALOT to go to Bible school. As a young 19 year old girl, I was a fairly new Christian and all I really wanted to do was honor God, help impact someone's life and make my life count for something. Now, here I am, 8 years later, and I'm not sure if that's what I want at this moment. Maybe it's the fact that life is sometimes so boring that my highlight is when Joey Lawrence or Howie from the Backstreet Boys tweets me. Maybe its that I'm getting frustrated having to count each penny every day to pay our bills and hope that I can save up to do something exciting (I know good and well that had my husband and I went to school for something other than the ministry, our finances would probably be in much better shape) Or Maybe it's that the stress of actually working in ministry is far more than I ever expected and at the moment we are still a pretty small ministry. My guess it's all of the above. Before I went to Bible school, before I chose this life, I don't think I ever actually sat back and counted the cost. And now, I'm smack in the middle of how much it really costs and I'm frustrated and wondering if this is really the life I wanted. I've avoided writing this blog for a while. I'm not sure right now, whether I'll actually send it out for everyone to read. I feel like as a preacher's wife, I'm supposed to fit this mold where I have it all together and I say the right things. I feel like I shouldn't have struggles like this, like I shouldn't care about things like boy bands and clothing. Truth is, I think I'm really struggling to just be myself. I have a tendancy to swing from one extreme to another. I either end up putting on a happy face and trying to appear as holy and put together as possible and make sure I follow all the rules. Or, I go to the other extreme and do things that clearly don't honor God, simply because I don't want to have to fit into this perfect mold or be the person that everyone expects me to be. Recently a friend said something to me and it really stuck. This friend said "Sam, you are not being true to yourself. You spend all of your time trying to be exactly what everyone else expects you to be and at the core of it, this is not the person you are. Its like a tootsie pop. The shell tastes one way, but once you get past the exterior, there's a completely different flavor in there" That pretty much sums it up for me. On the outisde, I am one way, but at the very heart of me, I think I'm a completely different person that most people see. Don't get me wrong. I don't always try to put on a show for people. There is nothing fake about my Italian Jersey Attitude or my unhealthy love for boybands. But there's so much to me that's deeper than anyone knows. Most people outside of the church have no clue about my heart for God. Most people inside the church know nothing about my struggles and "worldy" desires. I feel like in both places, I'm only being half of who I really am. So maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I just need to learn that it's okay to take some time, figure out exactly who I am and what I want. And maybe its time that I stop being concerned about what anyone will think about me because of my choices and because of who I really am. I never really just embrace who I am... So here it is.. a list of some things about me. Take it or leave it, but at this moment, this is exactly who Samantha Rose Valentin is:

-I'm an Italian from Jersey and I've got the attitude to prove it

-I have an extremely unhealthy love for boybands (but I sort of love the obsession)

-I'm completely insecure about the way I look and I care way too much what people think

-I sometimes stare at my eyes in the mirror and feel happy that God gave me beautiful green eyes. Its the only feature about myself that I love

-If you don't notice me, I assume its because something is wrong with me

-I would do pretty much anything to please someone, sometimes even things that are borderline immoral.

-I get anxious on a pretty regular basis

-I think I have CDO, which is like OCD, but in alphabetical order, as it should be (hehehe)

-I have an unhealthy obsession with brownies.

-I love to sing and wish I could do it professionally, but I'm afraid if I try, I may fail

-I'm obsessed with my dog and I've convinced she is a human. (yes I let her lick my lips!)

-I have trouble saying "No" to everyone, except my husband. For some reason it's easy to say it to him

-I regret most of my past relationships and still deal with a lot of the heartache from them today

- I have started writing a book about my life at least 5 times and keep getting stuck

- I love sweat pants and pajamas. If it were socially acceptable, I would walk around in them all day, every day

- I believe that Jesus Christ died because I am a sinner and that the only way I can be saved is through faith in Him

-I'm learning to trust that even though my faith fails regularly, God's is still faithful

-I miss the days when I feel like I loved God more and I enjoy being in church, reading my Bible, and praying. Sometimes I fear that love will never come back.

- I love to dance, but I dance like your typical white girl.

- I could watch TV for hours and not care that I wasted the day

- I want to help young girls navigate through life, and I hope they won't make the same mistakes I made, and at times, that I still make.

- I am addicted to twitter

- I'm actually a pretty good actress and if I had the time of day, I'd love to go on some auditions

- My laugh is funny and my smile is pretty

- I'm an old fashioned girl that hates that she has to go to work every day because I'd rather stay home and cook, clean and raise kids

- I've always wanted to be a mom, but found out that there's only a 5% chance of that ever happening. I try to put on a brave face, but inside it still kills me

-I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. Once I make a decision, I will question it

-Christmas is my favorite time of year. I LOVE buying gifts for people and seeing them wrapped up under the tree

-I'm still not sure exactly what I want my life to look like, but I'm thinking now is a time to make some decisions and push forward

That's about all I can think of at the moment, but you get the picture. This is me. Take me or leave me, but I've gotta learn that it's okay to embrace who I am and remember that I am a work in progress.

Approval Addict

     This blog post has been a long time coming and is probably
one of the most difficult ones to write, mainly because it causes
me to actually admit I have a weakness and recognize that being perfect
just isn't possible. I can almost guarantee that after posting this blog,
I will start to wonder what all of you think.The reason for this is
because I am a complete approval addict. I thrive on the approval of others
and I dwell on anything I perceive to be disapproval.    
  I'm not sure exactly where all of this started. Maybe I have daddy issues
because my dad left and wasn't there for me. Maybe it has something to do
with being made fun of so badly in middle school that by the time I got
to high school I swore I would do whatever it took to be sure no one made
fun of me again. Where ever it started, its something that has become such
an addictive part of my life that its like a drug. There are literally times
when I feel like I haven't gotten my "approval fix" and my day will seem to
drag. I may even feel depressed. But as soon as someone compliments or affirms
me, my mood will change and I'll feel great again.    
   It took me a few years to really recognize the issue, but now more than
ever I am completely aware of how much it affects my life. I'm trying to
learn that its okay to be comfortable with who I am regardless of what others
may think about me. I have to remind myself daily that God says I am
"fearfully and wonderfully made" Regardless of the opinions of others, I have
been created exactly the way I was supposed to be created and no mistake was
made. I'm trying to teach myself to be confident in who I am and who I am
becoming. My husband reminds me daily that he loves me and accepts me and so
does God. I have no idea why I value to opinions of others so much, even the
people I don't even know. But everyday is a new day to grow, a new day to
learn and a new day to let go of my need to be approved by others. I think its
going to be a long journey, but I trust that God holds me tightly in
the grip of His grace and that "he who has begun this good work in me will
continue it until completion"

Feet Planted on Solid Ground

My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am. I hit the snooze button, and closed my eyes again, as if 10 extra minutes would really make a difference. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, the alarm went off again and I felt no more rested than I did 10 minute earlier. I decided that I needed to get up and get breakfast started so I stretched a little bit, threw the blankets off of myself and took the first steps to get out of bed. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, and like every morning, set my feet on the floor and walked to the kitchen. This is a routine for me every morning. This morning I started thinking about it though. There is never a single day that goes by, that I think about, nor doubt, that when I step onto my bedroom floor, that my feet will be planted on solid ground. I'm never shocked that instead of hovering about the ground and floating up to the ceiling, that I stay planted firmly on the ground. Why? Well for one I passed 5th grade science, and I'm pretty aware of the laws of gravity. I've never seen gravity, yet I'm confident that its there and I see it playing out in the world around me. There's never a moment of my life that I have ever doubted that at some point gravity would not come through and we would all float into space. Even when natural disasters strike; no earthquake, hurricane, tornado, flood or volcano will ever change the fact that gravity holds us all into place.
I am finding that I sometimes need to remind myself that the same thing is true with God. The same way that I am confident each morning that I will get out of bed and my feet will be planted on solid ground, I need to remind myself daily that God is holding me firmly in the grip of His Grace and that every day as I walk with Him, my feet are planted on solid ground. Its beens so difficult for me to remember this lately. I often find myself doubting God when its hard to see Him moving. It seems like one thing after another piling up. A few years ago, my husband and I found out that our chances of ever conceiving a child are only about 5%. This was probably one of the most devastating things I had ever heard. I have always desired to be a mom and seeing that dream begin to grumble before my eyes nearly destroyed me. It caused me to doubt. It caused me anger. It caused me to push people out of my life, and at first, caused me to push God away and refuse to run to him for comfort. It was a devastating blow. Shortly after that, I learned that my dad and my stepmom were getting divorced. It had been hard enough to deal with the divorce of my parents at 10 years old, and after 16 years of letting another family into my life and making them my own, loving them unconditionally, it was being ripped apart, and at 26, I felt like I was reliving the pain of my childhood. On top of that, I watched my 11 yr old sister and 6 year old brother have to suffer through what I did as a child. Recently I visited the house that my family once lived in, where we were once happy, and it broke my heart to see walls falling down and things left everywhere. It was a completele representation of my family; falling apart, and there was nothing I could do about it. I broke down and cried as I stood there. Top this off with family deaths and the everyday struggles of being married to a youth pastor and trying to help teenage girls figure out how to manage through life, I've felt completely overwhelmed and completely alone. Until today, where I had to remind myself, that regardless of my circumstances, regardless of my sin, regardless of the pain, hurt and struggles of life, my feet are planted on solid ground in Jesus Christ and I am held firmly in the grip of His grace. It doesn't matter what storm comes my way, nothing will change the constant that is the love of God. Nothing will separate me from it. Its been 2 years since I found out the news that we may never have kids, and while the pain never completely goes away, I have learned that my God is good and that He will provide a way. I am learning that He is my comfort and He is my strength and that it would be easy to serve God if I always got wanted I wanted, but its a much harder thing to serve Him when everything falls apart; and sometimes, the harder thing is what is best for me. I am learning to trust Him in my family situation and know that He is in control of all things. I can trust that even though he may not bring restoration like I hope, He WILL restore all things. I'm learning that life is hard and that's okay. Each day I need to be reminded that no matter what, just like I am confident that when I step out of bed my feet will hit the floor, I can be confident that in all things, my feet are planted on solid ground and God holds me in the grip of His grace.

This is the story...

The following is a very rough draft of the introduction to the book I am writing.. enjoy the preview...

This is the story of an angry girl. A girl who is angry with those who robbed her of her childhood, causing her to grow up faster than she should have. This is a story about a girl angry at her father for leaving her, causing her to feel a void that she spent her entire teenager years trying to fill. This is a girl who is angry at the woman her dad went to when he left, leaving her feeling second rate to his new family. This is the story of a girl angry at her mother for using her as a crutch when she went through her divorce. This is a girl, angry at the kids who made fun of her so badly that she would rather die than go to school. This is the story of a girl angry at the guy, who at 18 didn't have the sense to keep his hands off a 13 year old girl. This is the story of an angry girl who despises the camp counselor who didn't look away from the girl who was 4 years younger than her, but instead used her school girl crush on him as an excuse to take advantage of her. This is a girl who is angry at all the guys who used her and tossed her aside when all she wanted was someone to love her. She was left feeling alone, useless, unloved and dirty. This is the story of an angry girl.
But this is also the story of redemption. This is the story of a girl who encountered Christ. This is a girl who found the answer to fill the void in her life. This is the story of a girl who surrendered her hurt, her loneliness, her filth, and her anger to a merciful God who looked on her with compassion and said, "I love you and I have sent my Son for you." This is the story of a girl whose life was turned upside down and who was transformed to a new person. This is the story of a girl whose life was given back to her. I am that girl. This is my story.

The Love of my Life

In 2002 before I met my husband Isaac, him and his friend Jhonna were hanging out at his friend Anthony's house. He told me that while hanging there, he saw a picture of this blonde girl hanging up on the wall and asked Anthony "Who is that girl? She's hot" Anthony made a face and said "Man thats my stepsister!" (I tell this story only from what Isaac told me) Later that day when driving home, Isaac and Jhonna had a conversation about the fact that they never knew Anthony had a good looking stepsister. Three years later, Isaac married Anthony's stepsister. (Thats me by the way if you haven't caught that yet...btw.. I'm not calling msyelf hot.. just repeating the story my husband told bc I thought it was really cool that he saw a picture of me months before we met and was attracted to me.. its a cute story if you ask me.. haha) Anyways, I didn't meet Isaac until I gradutated highschool and moved to PA. Isaac had already known my dad and step family because he went to church with them. When I met Isaac, I was instantly attracted to him. After a few days of getting to know him and seeing his heart for God, I began to think "I could marry someone like him" (I kept that to myself though bc I figured it would be creepy to tell him that) Isaac and I became pretty good friends and I would pray and ask God that if he was the man for me, that we could develop a good friendship before we started dating because I wanted to have a relationship that honored Him (In the past all my relationships didn't honor God at all and I wasn't friends with any of the people I dated) Isaac and I grew close and more and more I felt he was the man I would marry and about a year and a half later, he finally figured it out! =) Isaac and I dated 5 months before he asked me to marry him and on July 9, 2005 I married my best friend. We had our ups and downs, especially in the first 2 years. Neither of us really knew what a healthy marriage should look like and so we acted in the only ways we knew how, none of which were actually healthy or biblical. We praise God though because a few of our teachers at CFNI really invested in our lives and helped us learn how to honor God and each other in our marriage. Today I have to say that besides my salvation, I think Isaac is the greatest gift that God has ever given me. He is a man who loves God and because he loves God, he loves me. He has walked me through some difficult times. He's sat up with me at night when I've cried. He's spent nights up praying for me while I slept. Isaac has worked extremely hard to provide for me and has always excelled in his jobs. I can't even count how many times I have come home from work on a day that he had off to find that he spent the day cleaning our apartment. I have so much fun with him. We are constantly laughing and goofing off. He leads me spiritually. At night he reads through a few chapters of the Bible with me and asks me questions to challenge what I believe. When I asked him why he why he was constantly asking me questions and challanging what I was telling him I believed, he told me because he wanted me to learn to have a firm foundation on what I believed that wouldn't be shaken every time I heard something different. When he told me why he was challenging me I was so greatful that he was teaching me in this way. I have spent a few years so confused because I had heard so many different doctrines and I was being pullled in all different directions. It caused me more harm that good. I'm so greatful for a husband who is teaching me how to explore the Bible and really grasp what it is I believe and to hold firm to what the Word of God is saying. He is such an incredible man of God. I am so unbelievably greatful for him. He provides for me. He loves me. He leads me and he is evidence of God's grace in my life.