New Beginings

My life has taken quite the turn lately and to be quite honest- its terrifying. Within a matter of a month my marriage has ended, my stepfather has passed away and my biological father has decided to step away from my life. Its been quite the emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I've spent the past few weeks with a plethora of emotions that are hard to even describe. I have felt overwhelmed, scared, heartbroken, angry, sad, guilty, and sometimes even hopeful and excited for whats to come. However those moments of hope and excitement are often short lived and overwhelmed by one of my biggest fears- being alone. For the first time in 9 years, I am alone and it terrifies me. I have literally been through hell and back. Ive felt so torn down and beaten up that I often question who I am, what I'm capable of and what I have to offer the world. I've felt completely alone and have been taught for years that if I can't measure up to people's standards that I'm not worth their time, love and effort. I've wallowed in these thoughts for weeks. I've done things I normally wouldn't because of them. I've isolated myself from people I love. I've let my mind race with irrational fears. I've allowed myself to feel more depressed in the past few weeks than I've ever really felt in my life. I've believed the lies that things can't get better. I've put on a front that I'm doing okay when in reality, I've been completely terrified for my future. A few months ago, my future was certain. It was a crappy, miserable, abusive future,  yet as unhealthy as that was I still found comfort in knowing that there was some sort of certainty in it. Now nothing is certain. I'm on my own and I've let the fear of being on my own completely paralyze my life. I've felt like my story ends here and I've acted as if my story ends here....
Lucky for me, God always has a way of grabbing me and finding ways to speak to me and remind me that everything is going to be okay. Today was a rough day. Everything came crashing down at once. Guilt of how I acted towards my stepdad before he passed away overwhelmed me. My marriage ending, unhealthy as it was, still bothered me knowing that 9 years of my life is over and the thought that my father has left me abandoned to deal with the pain of all of that was just too much. I really felt like I was losing it and the only person I could think to call was my former pastor in Dallas. That was kind of my first clue that maybe God still had a plan for me- that of all the people in my phone book- he would be the one I wanted to speak to. We had a nice talk. I was able to just let everything out. I told him everything- every stupid mistake I've made- every single unhealthy thing I've done to try and cope with the pain of life and still he told me- "Your story isn't over. God isn't done with you. He still has plans for you. It doesn't end here." With everything I've been though- every struggle I've had- every mistake I've made- every negative thought I've had, it really stuck with me to remember that no matter what "My story doesn't end here" A lot in my life has changed. A lot has made me feel like it's just over and life is hopeless, but I need to remind myself daily that my story doesn't end here. I'm still breathing and there's still hope. I have countless opportunities ahead of me. I can make choices to better my life. I can pull my life together. I can survive on my own. I can learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I can learn to be an overcomer. I can take each day as a new beginning- a new day to start something new. I've spent months feeling like my life is over, but maybe I need to look at things differently and remind myself that my life is beginning. I have a chance to start over. I have a chance to learn to be comfortable with myself. I have a chance to take all the negativity and all the thoughts of worthlessness from the past few years and turn them around to thoughts that are true and positive and beneficial.  I have an opportunity to decide for myself exactly what I want for my life. I get to chose who I am going to be. I get to chose the direction my life will go. I get to chose to be happy. I get to chose to be confident without being torn down. I get to chose to love myself and who I am. More importantly I get to actually discover who I am because to be quite honest, I think a lot of me is still a big question mark. I can't pretend it will be easy. I think a lot of this is definitely much easier said than done. I've literally had to make a conscious effort to start reaching out to people who aren't going to let me sit around feeling miserable and hurt. I guess its not supposed to be easy though. Life is hard. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And the uncertainty of my future is absolutely terrifying. But I need to make a conscious decision to at least change the way I think about all of this. So I guess this is my step 1- Change my thoughts of it being over for me and fearing the future and turn those thoughts into ones of a new beginning, with new possibilities and new adventures. At least if I begin to change my though process, I can then begin to change my actions. One step at a time. Its not the end. Its a new beginning.

All Tangled Up

Today I went to my moms house for dinner and as usual I brought my dog, Noelle, with me. Noelle is a tiny 5lb yorkie. She is a little diva, and I love her. She's more than just a pet. She my baby. However, there are times when my little Noelle drives me completely insane. Today was one of those days. After dinner, I put Noelle's leash on, walked her to the car and put her in. Immediately she climbes underneath the dash board from the passenger side to the driver's side on the floor. No matter how many times I tell this dog, she still thinks she can drive. She did all this while her leash was still on, so needless to say, she got a bit tangles. I managed to get her out from by my feet and put her back on the passanger's side and told her to stay. She jumped on the floor and stayed there. It was about a 5 minute drive home and somehow by the time we it home, she managed to get her leash completely tangled around her paws. She couldn't even jump up onto the seat. I grabbed her and tried to get her untangled, but the more I tried to untangle her, the more she fought me. I found myself sitting in my car, thunk and lightning around me, arguing wit a dog trying to get her to relax so I could untangle her paws. The more she fought me and tried to wrestle her way out, the more tangled she got and the more difficult she made it for me to untangle her. After Agnew minutes of fighting with my diva dog, I finally got her untangled and literally yelled at her "don't you reliaze that I can see what I'm doing and if you would just stop fighting me I could untangle you much quicker?" It was at that point that I realized that God even uses tiny, spoiled rotten, pain in the butt, diva dogs to teach us something. Sometimes we get ourself all tangled up. We can be tangled up in sin, in fears or worry, in hopelessness, in uncertainty and tons of other things. Many times we have no clue how we even got to the place we are in, but we have to learn to recognize one thing-God can see much better than we can and he can get us unstuck. Sometimes in the midst of fear, worry, anxiet, sin, uncertainy etc we get so worked up in trying to "get ourselves out" that we actually end up fighting against God who sees perfectly and knows exactly what needs to be done to get us untangle. I'm reminded of the verse "Be still and know that I am God"-Psalm 46:10. There are times in our lives when God is saying "Just be still. Stop fighting me. Stop trying to figure things out. Just trust me and let me get you untangled." In those times, we may not need to panic and try to get ourselves untangles, we just need to be still, and trust in God who knows perfectly. There are many times in my life when my first reaction is to panic. Whether I find myself in a difficult situation, overwhelmed with life or struggling with sin- my reaction is usually panic and frantically trying to figure out how to fix it. Sometimes it take a tiny little diva of a dog for me to realize that if life has me all tangled up- I just need to be still and let God untangle things.

I'm in over my head

Two years ago my husband and I decided to go to San Antonio, TX for our anniversary. Before our trip to San Antonio, I had each day planned out with what places we would visit and how much money we could spend in each place. The place I was most looking forward to seeing was Sea World. I was so excited to get to see all of the shows, ride the rides, see some dolphins and of course, try to get a close up with Shamu. I ordered our tickets ahead of time to make sure we didn't have to wait in line once we got there. On the day we were going to Sea World, I got Isaac up extra early so we could make it to Sea World before it opened. I wanted to be first in line, and we were. Once the gates opened up, we went inside, got a map of the park and schedule of show times and I began to plan out our entire day. After spending a few minutes looking at the map, I had calculated the order in which we would see different attractions and planned out the entire day so we could do everything. Isaac, of course, looked at me like I had 5 heads and tried to talk me into going with the flow, but he could see how badly I wanted to see everything and knew that I had made up in my mind the order in which I wanted to do it so he went along with my planned out day. We ended up having a wonderful time, probably one of the most fun days that I can remember and of course, we were able to do and see everything. My plan worked.
The problem, however, is that I attempt to live my entire life like this and I get in over my head. There isn't a single aspect of my life that I don't try to plan ahead on or figure out. I have our budget set up six months in advance (including possible alternate scenarios in case our situation changes) I run off of to-do lists. I organize my cleaning schedule, my cooking menu, and just about every aspect of my life down to the specific day that I chose to run certain errands. (Thursdays are food shopping days and if I visit the grocery store on a different day, those who know me best will question why) My obsessive need for organization and planning is both a gift, and a curse. I tend to excel at my job. I do administrative work and I'm able to figure out how to make my doctor's practice run better, organize the office and take care of all of the needs of the patients. My household is always in order. Our bills are payed on time and I have learned to strategically stretch every dollar that comes in. Planning and organization is probably one of my greatest strengths, but at the same time one of my greatest weaknesses.
In all of my planning and all of my organizing, I tend to forget to rely on God. I spend all of my days trying to figure out how to make things work, that I don't realize that many of the things in my life aren't meant to be figured out, but that I'm meant to just trust God with them. This is so difficult for me. I like to know whats going on. I like to have a plan and I like to know how everything is going to work out. God, however, doesn't always like to give me all of the details and I've struggled with this for years. When I can't figure something out, or when I can't make it work, anxiety sets in and causes me to panic. I hate the feeling of not being in control. I hate the feeling of not knowing whats next, and in that I feel like I've missed out on what can be a very exciting life. I want to learn to love the feeling of not knowing, because even if I don't know whats next, I know the One who does know whats next. I want to live my life in peace knowing that all though I don't have it all figured out, I know the One who has not only figured it all out, but actually made the plans himself. My greatest desire is to live my life in freedom from the anxiety of not knowing. It's so hard for me. There is so much uncertainty in my life and I tend to focus on those things rather than what is certain. It's uncertain when my husband will be able to start working in New Jersey and will be here every day, instead of 3 days a week. Its uncertain if or when we will ever have children. Its uncertain of when and where we will start working in ministry again. Its uncertain if we will ever be able to afford a home. Its uncertain we will live to see tomorrow. So much in our lives is uncertain, but rather than focusing on the uncertainties in life, I need to learn to focus on the One who is always certain, Jesus Christ. Although I don't know what life will bring, Jesus does and is holding me up through it all. Although I don't know how to get Isaac a job in NJ, Jesus does and He's preparing the way. Although I don't know if Isaac and I will ever be able to have children, Jesus does and until he reveals that to us, He is there to comfort the broken hearts of two people who want nothing more than to be parents. Although it's uncertain when and where Isaac and I will end up next in ministry, Jesus is preparing us for that next place and He is preparing the way for us. My prayer for myself is to let go of the fear of the things that are uncertain and to trust fully in the one who is always certain. I can by all means use my gifts in administration to plan and organize the things that I can, but there comes a time that once I've done everything I can do, its time to sit back and trust God to do everything that I can't do. I need to let go of trying to figure everything out, and instead hold tight to Jesus who will never leave me, forsake me, or fail me. I may not have all the answers, but I know the One who does, and its time I learn to trust him more and rely on myself less.

This song pretty much sums it up...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K-d85ifVSU&feature=related

Money, Money, Money, Money

I’ve always had a lot of anxiety when it comes to money. I spend hours budgeting, planning and trying to figure out how to make life work with what Isaac and I have. I’m in constant fear that we won’t have enough- not enough to buy a house, or a car, or to afford to have kids, or be able to go on vacation, or be able to retire. Sometimes I even worry because I don’t think we have enough to eat healthy and make wise choices concerning our bodies. I mean, I’m pretty convinced that America wants everyone to be fat because eating healthy is definitely more expensive that eating unhealthy. And so in areas concerning money, anxiety always sets in; fear always set in and I’m always afraid of not having enough to get by.
I never stopped to think that I was the type of person who “worshiped” money. I mean, there are people around us who are constantly looking for the next buck, to get rich and have lots of things for themselves. I’m that person who shakes her head at those rappers who take pictures in their piles of money and think “Look at these fools worshiping their money. Don’t they know when they die, they can’t take it with them” Since my fears are in wanting to get by and not in a
desire for wealth and material things, I never really thought I had a problem when it came to “worshiping money” I’ve read this verse hundreds of times and never once even thought that this could be me: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money”- Matthew 6:24
But then today someone said something to me that completely changed my perspective on
things and caused me to have to take a step back and look at myself. I was explaining that I didn’t understand why I was constantly worrying about money and whether we had enough to make it by. She said, “Well because you find security in money, in knowing that money is the source in which you have food, clothing, shelter, luxuries, etc.” For some reason when she said that, I
realized that my problem was that I found security in money rather than God, who is the source of money. I have completely looked past the God who provides everything I need. I spend so much of my time trying to calculate how much we need in order to buy a house or a car or
to be able to have kids that I never take into consideration that God has promised to provide for me all that I need. I may not worship money in a sense of loving it so much that I’m going to roll around in it (although I won’t lie, I’d probably find it fun to get a bunch of $1 bills and roll around like in the movies. Haha) But I do put money in a place above God because I’m trusting in money to provide, rather than in God, the source of all we have. I am guilty of turning to my budget and trying to see where I can squeeze things into, rather than turning to God. I am guilty of spending more time planning and budgeting my income than praying and seeking after my God.
I am trying to learn that I need to put my trust in God and in God alone. He is the source of all provision for me. He knows what I need. He knows my desires. He knows how to meet those needs and I don’t have to stress out trying to figure out how to make it all work. God knows how it will work and God will work everything out perfectly. It doesn’t mean that he’s going to give me everything that I want, but he has promised to provide all that I need. He has also promised that as I delight in Him, he will give me the desires of my heart. If some of the things my heart desires require financial provision, he will provide it. God is the source of everything I need and I can put my trust in Him knowing that He loves me and desires that I am taken care of and secure. I’m learning that with all things in life, money is fleeting. It will come and go, but one thing will
remain constant and that is God, and in Him is where my trust and security need to lie.

One, Two, Three: Is This Really For Me?

When my husband and I were going into our second year of college, we decided that we needed to buy a new car. Although the car we had probably had a few more months in her and was paid off, we felt like we were at a point where we needed an upgrade. We had enough money for a down payment on a car and decided that we were going to trade in our car and finance a newer used one. I figured that we had a little bit of money coming to us and even though my husband, Isaac, was currently unemployed, my paycheck would be enough to cover the payments. Besides, we trusted God and we KNEW that God would just provide Isaac a job soon. We made our first few car payments and everything seemed to be going fine, until the car broke down. The repairs ended up costing us $1200, which wiped out our savings account and it took about a week to fix the car. I was unable to get to work and ended up losing my job. We began missing car payments and were scrambling to find a way to pay our rent, buy food, make and make our school payments.
One morning, my husband left our apartment to go to school. Within a minute he called me and told me that our car was gone. We knew that 1 of 2 things happened. Either our car was stolen (Which was very likely in our neighborhood) or it was repossessed. I called the car dealership and sure enough, the car had been repossessed. We were at a loss of what to do. We felt hopeless. We discovered that it would cost us $500 to get our car out of repo and we did not have that money, nor could we continue to make the payments after we got our car back. My father offered to pay the $500 payment for us, but we realized that even if we got our car back, we still couldn't pay for school or rent and that we risked losing our apartment and we might have to live out of that car. We thanked my dad and asked him to instead put the money towards our school and rent, which he did. We spent the next year without a car.
My husband and I eventually found jobs that were on campus and we didn't need a car to get to work, Slowly our finances began to stabilize and although we had to borrow friend's cars to get around, we were able to have our bills paid and food on our table. It was one of the hardest years of our lives, but we had no one to blame but ourselves.

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it - lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:28-33)

Isaac and I were so determined to upgrade our car that we never really sat down and figured out if we could really afford what it would cost to get a newer car. We assumed we could afford the payments. We relied on money that was not yet there and never took into account that the car might break down. We made the mistake that many people make in their lives. We didn't count the cost.
I remember when I first started going to church and became a Christian. I was so excited to learn that there was a God that loved me and had forgiven all the craziness I had gotten myself into. I was so happy that Jesus cared about me enough that he was handling my problems. But I was also foolish enough to believe people who told me that serving God made life easy. In the beginning of my Christian walk, I made a lot of rash decisions without ever thinking about what it might cost me. I left friends behind, not realizing that someday I would miss them. I abandoned relationships, not knowing that someday I would still hurt from them. I chose Bible school, not realizing it wouldn't guarantee financial stability. I never took into consideration that following God was going to be hard and would cost me laying down a lot of my wants and desires for what God wanted. My husband and I decided to pursue going full time ministry, and never took into account that it would cost us a lot of our time, a lot of our money, and a lot of heartache and frustration. Eventually I ended up right smack in the middle of a crazy ministry and a difficult walk with God and I thought to myself, "This isn't what I signed up for" I actually felt pretty angry and overwhelmed. I was foolish enough to believe it would all be easy and when it wasn't, I began to think, "I want out." I was shocked to discover the difficulty of it all. Had I listened to and applied the verse above, I would still be in the same situation, but I wouldn't be as shocked about it.
Jesus is telling uas that we need to literally think about and consider what being a disciple is going to cost us. Its not going to be easy, but if you go in knowing that its not going to be easy, at the very least, you won't be shocked and blindsided when all hell literally breaks lose in your life. You already knew this is what it would cost and you are wiling to fight through it.
I think this is true of anything in our lives as well. Recently my husband and I decided we needed to get in shape. The first thing we did was talk about what it was going to cost us to get healthy. We would have to sacrifice food that we liked, give up fast food, wake up earlier to exercise and push ourselves in ways that are going to hurt. In the past, we have tried so many diets that failed, but I believe its because we never considered what it was going to cost us. We are going into this knowing it will be difficult and we won't be shocked when we wake up the morning after a hard work out feeling like we have just been hit by a Mack Truck. It's already expected and we are stocking up on Bengay.
Anything we do in life is going to cost us something. However, anytime we have to pay a price for something, we are going to be getting something of value in return. It's not all for nothing. When choosing to follow God, I've learned that its going to cost me everything, but in return, I gain everything. I gain eternal life. I gain the opportunity to help people and see lives changed. I gain the opportunity to be a part of something that is bigger than me.I And in dieting and exercising I am going to gain more confidence, be healthier, and lets be honest- hopefully and rocking bikini body.
Everything has a cost and everything has a reward. Life is going to be hard. The things we do and work for our going to be hard, but we are less shocked if we count the cost and anticipate it coming, Its quite possible that you may sit down, count the cost of something and determine its not for you, and that's okay too. But the idea is to know what we are getting ourselves into ahead of time, Then if we choose to go all in, we can keep up our endurance to finish and receive that reward. It really sucked that Isaac and I invested so much money into that car and in the end had nothing to show for it. Before getting into something, count the cost and make your investments worth something.

A Year of Regret

In about 2 months, my nephew Izzy is going to celebrate his first birthday. For the first 6 months of Izzy's life, I had the privilege to live under the same roof as him. When my sister in law and brother in law first brought him home, he was so tiny. You were almost afraid to hold him because you didn't want to break him. As the days, weeks and months went by Izzy began to get bigger and stronger and everyone in the house became less and less afraid that he would break. Izzy was a healthy boy and continues to be. Now he's crawling and starting to walk. He's a big ball of energy that definitely gives my sister in law a run for her money. As he is approaching his first birthday, he has grown into a much bigger little boy than he was when he was first brought home, as he should be. You see, no one has major concerns about Izzy's health, because he is growing. Healthy things grow. If Izzy was still the same size today as he was the day he was brought home, everyone would have concerns. It would be obvious that something was not right.

The same is true of ourselves. Recently I have just taken a small look at where I am in my walk with God and where I am in my character and my attitude. I can honestly say I am not happy with what I see. If healthy things grow, I, by all means, am not healthy. The past year has been extremely difficult for me. My husband and I moved from Dallas, TX to a VERY small "farm town" in Pennsylvania so that my husband could take a position as a youth pastor. For those of you who have ever lived in or near a city, which I have my entire life, you can imagine that moving to a place where cow tipping could be a hobby is quite a crazy adjustment. We moved in with his parents because we had not had jobs secured when we made the move. Throughout the year we have faced financial difficulties, stresses of not having our own home and the stresses of not only working in ministry, but working with family in ministry, who don't always see eye to eye. Add on top of that the heartache we are working through dealing with infertility, when the one thing we both desire most is to be parents and the frustration of not having many friends here that we can lean on, gain support from and be encouraged by, I have really begun to drown in all of this.

As I look back on the past year, I would love to say that I have held tight to the Word of God, trusted Him and continued to stay strong. I'd like to say that I prayed through difficulties and that as a result my faith has increased and I have learned new things. I'd like to say that I remained a good example to the kids in our youth group and a great helper to my husband, but I can't really say any of that. As I look back on the past year, I realize that I can't really stand what I have become, although at the same time, what I have become has been quite comfortable for me.

My attitude is horrible. I'm pretty much angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, then I'm usually laughing, but mostly at the expensive of someone else. My language is horrible. I've become increasingly concerned with my looks and how people think about the way I look. Rather than seeking after God, or doing anything productive with my time when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I've distracted myself with Twitter, and boys bands on twitter and friends on Twitter. Don't get me wrong, I think its a great way to interact with people, but there is a time when things go too far. I've crossed the line in flirting. I've crossed the line in conversations with people and I've somehow reverted back to the person I was in HS- bitter, mean, and concerned only about being attractive and getting attention. And while its been and easy distraction, fun at times, and I've enjoyed the attention, it only satisfies for so long.

The easier thing to do, is usually not the thing that is best for us. I have always been one to look for the easy way out. I hate waiting. I hate difficulties and if that Staples easy button actually worked, I'd probably sell my left kidney to get one. The easy thing usually only satisfies for a moment and rarely has lasting results. The things that take time and effort or those that always satisfy more in the end. My husband always tells me that I want things in life to be like a microwave. I want a quick easy solution that gets me by. Sure, you can cook food in a microwave, but is it ever really THAT good? I mean, it satisfies in the moment, but compare it to a meal you make in a crock pot. That's a meal that's been slow cooking for 8 hours, with all the flavors marinating in it. Its a meal that satisfies. And while the microwave meal can get you by, it will never satisfy like the one in the crock pot.

I have spent the past year looking for quick solutions to my problems. Ive taken easy escapes from my frustrations. As a result Ive compromised my character and I've taken major steps backwards in my pursuit of God. And while I haven't completely turned my back on my faith, I have just been a poor example of a leader, and for that I repent. I've always desired to be a woman who could lead a generation of young girls by example, and this year I have failed in doing that. It's hard to look back on the past year and see that I've clung to everything but Christ in the difficult times, that I've failed to trust Him, when He has never failed to come trhough for me. Its hard to swallow, but at the same time, I find hope in looking forward to the future. I find peace in knowing that God's mercies are new each morning and that when we fall, we can get back up and keep moving forward. This year is a year I'm choosing the harder path, choosing to pursue joy in Christ rather than happiness in things that are fleeting. As my husband and I continue to face difficulties, I'm going to choose to trust God and have faith that we are standing on solid ground that will not crumble beneath us. It's a choice I know I will have to make each and every day, but I'm just tired of looking back at my life with regret. It's about time I trust God and look forward with hope.

The Rear View Mirror

Has this ever happened to you: You are driving on the highway, and you check
your rear view mirror to see what’s behind you? (When I do I’m usually checking
for police.) Then, a short time later you realize that you have spent an unknown amount of time looking in the rear view mirror and haven’t paid much attention to what’s in front at all? This happens to me a lot. When I finally realize I’ve been looking behind me the whole time I feel a bit of anxiety wondering how the heck I didn’t have an accident and how exactly I got to where
I am. I have this horrible habit of constantly worrying about what is behind me
that I pay no attention to what is right in front of me. This is true of both my driving and my life
in general.
My past is extremely rocky, to say the least. I live my life with a lot of regrets and often find myself looking back and second guessing decisions I’ve made. I have a hard time letting go of people and I have a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. I often find myself
daydreaming about what could have been had I made a different choice. What if I hadn’t given the guy my phone number who would end up in prison and would ultimately shatter my heart? What if I hadn’t trusted the camp counselor that took advantage of a young girl’s crush on him? What if I didn’t allow my father leaving to be something that had driven me to desire to be with a man, any man, who promised to love me? What if I didn’t leave New Jersey after high school? What if I perused a career in music? What if I said “No” all the times I said “Yes?” The list could go on.
With as often as I look back, I constantly find myself missing out on what is right in
front of me. There are so many times when I snap back into the present that I look around at my life and wonder how in the world I got to where I am at. There’s so much going on right now and so much ahead in my future, but I don’t see any of it because I am constantly looking to my past and wondering how I can make it better. How can I undo the things I’ve done? How can I fix the mistakes that I’ve made? The fact of the matter is I can’t change a single thing I’ve done. I can’t fix my past. I can’t go back and relive experiences. I can’t say “No” when I’ve said “Yes” and I can’t do anything to change what’s gotten me to this point, right here and right now. What I can do, is take a look at what’s around me, forget focusing on all of the “What ifs” and start focusing on What Is.
Every decision I have made has gotten me right where I am today. Whether I like the
place I am at or not, there is nothing I can do to change how I’ve gotten here. However, I can learn from past mistakes. I can learn better decision making and I can press on towards my future. If I constantly spend time looking back, I risk missing out on an awesome future. There’s a lot of potential in my life, but if I’m constantly looking behind me, I am never going to see it. I have a tendency to use the phrase, “I don’t see how things can possibly turn out okay” Well of course I can’t see how it’s going to be okay, I’m constantly looking in the rear view mirror where things have never been okay.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead”- Philippians 3:13

I have made is my goal this year to do exactly that; forgetting what is behind and
straining towards what is ahead. I know it’s a difficult thing to do. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing. We all have regrets, but dwelling on them and wondering “what if” is not going to change anything. I don’t really like the idea of a “new year’s resolution” because they tend to be broken so easily. However, this year I am attempting to make some “life changing
decisions.” This would be one of those decisions. I can do nothing to change the things I’ve done or where my life has been up until this point. What I can do is forget about what I don’t have and forget about the mistakes I’ve made and focus on what I do have. I can look at where I want my life to be and start making choices that press on towards those goals. It’s so easy to sit back and daydream about what could have been. It’s much harder to get up and do something to change what can be. I’m going to choose this year to do that harder thing because up until this point, the easy road has gotten me nowhere.

The Value and Worth of a Woman

My name is Samantha Rose Valentin. I am 27 years old. I am an Italian Jersey girl, with the attitude to go with it. I am extemely organized. My books are arranged from biggest to smallest. My clothes are organized by color and style. I like pink and I love the NY Yankees. I pretty much rock in the kitchen and I'm a health enthusiast. I can sing. I can write. I can act. I once wrote a song that was played on the radio and I hope to someday publish a book. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am me.

However, growing up, my parents never told me I was beautiful. I was never told I was valuable. I had no idea that I had anything of worth to offer this world. So, I believed the lie that many young girls believe today- that my worth was found in what I looked like and how I used my body to please guys. I spent the majority of my teen years trying to make myself look perfect and allowed myself to be used as a sexual object because I believed that that was where my value as a woman lied.

Now I honestly don’t believe that I woke up one day and said, “Looking perfect will make me beautiful and having sex will make me valuable.” I don’t think any of you have ever woken up and said that either. However, I do believe that those beliefs are so much a part of our culture, that we can’t help but have it engraphed into our brains. We can barely turn on a TV without an overwhelming sense of a woman being valued for her sexuality. Walk through any mall and you will see clothing designed specifically to entice men. Magazines telling woman all sorts of ways to be more pleasing to men surround us: And in those magazines, we are told that you must be tall, skinny, have perfect lips, perfect eyes, perfect skin, big breasts and dress in provocative clothing in order to be beautiful. The message we see? The more sexually and physically attractive a woman, the more valuable she is. A woman’s looks and sex appeal are what makes her significant and desirable.

Too many young girls, and even women, believe this lie and our actions will always reflect what we believe. I know this to be true from experience. I believed as a young girl, and even at times now struggle, with thinking that the only value I have is in sort of being cute and trying to be pleasing to a man. Because this was what I believed to be true about myself, my actions lined up with what I believed. As a teenager, my main focus was on working out, tanning, getting my hair and nails done, having the hottest outfits, and attracting any man I could. For most of my teenage years, I never thought I had anything to offer the world other than my body. I assumed I would get a job somewhere that required me to be cute and that was how I would survive. Because my identity and my value was wrapped up in how I looked and how I pleased men, my self confidence often fluctuated. If I had the attention of a man, I felt confident and secure. If I did not, I felt insecure and worthless. It wasn't until I surrendered my life to a man named Jesus that I learned where my value and worth actually lied- In Who I belonged to, and the price that Someone was willing to pay

When I surrendered my life to Jesus, I learned that I was actually a child of God; that I belonged to Him and to Him alone. Because I belonged to God, this gave me value.

When I was 15, I went to my very first concert- to see the Backstreet Boys. I had been in love with these guys for years and I was so excited to finally get to see them live. The best part- me and my friend's had seats in the 3rd row. The concert was incredible and I had the time of my life. I even got to leave with a special souvenir- Kevin's water bottle. Yup that's right. Towards the end of the concert, the guys water bottles were being tossed out to the girls- Clearly one of them had to be mine. Kevin's was tossed off the stage in my direction and I kid you not, I jumped over and knocked down at least a dozen girls to get that water bottle. I didn't care who I had to fight- that water bottle was mine. The thing is, it wasn't the water that made it valuable to me and it wasn't the plastic that held the water that made it valuable to me. It was who that water bottle belonged to that made it valuable to me. I have seen some of the most ridiculous things for sale on ebay. If I'm not mistaken, a lock of Justin Bieber's hair sold for a few thousand dollars. Who in the world spends thousands of dollars on hair?!(Seriously though- I would like to meet and slap this person) The thing is, hair is not valuable, but the person it belongs to gives it value.(For some unknown, ridiculous reason)

When you are a child of God, you are valuable because you belong to Him, Your value and worth is in the fact that you are His. He has created you exactly the way He wanted and He does not make mistakes. He did not create you to simply look good and please a man, but He created you to bring glory to Him by the way you live your life. He created you to bring Him glory by using your gifts and talents. It took me a long time to realize that there was more to me than just being sexy. Once I realized that I wasn't created to please man, I began to realize that there was so much more to me: I realized that my ability to sing wasn't just to be on stage and look sexy, but to share pieces of my life with people. I realized that I'm actually capable of speaking and writing. I learned that I have a story to tell that makes a different. I realized I have talents for cooking and teaching and I learned that there was so much more to Samantha Valentin than being cute. I learned that I had value because of Who I belonged to, That I was a child of God.

The second things I learned was that my value was found in the price that someone was willing to pay for me. Take the lock of Justin Bieber's hair- if no one was willing to pay top dollar for it, it would not be worth thousands. It has value because someone was willing to pay a price. However, had it not been Justin Bieber's hair, no one would be willing to pay that price. The two would go hand in hand. The same goes for our value and worth- We are valuable because Someone was willing to pay the ultimate price for us. That person was Jesus.

Jesus looked at our lives. He saw our sins. He saw our hurt. He saw our helplessness and He was willing to lay it all down for us. Jesus came to the earth, lived a sinless life and willingly laid down his life on the cross. This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible and I think it describes what Jesus did for us beautifully "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."- Isaiah 53:5

The way I see it, we have more value than anything on earth, because the God who created us, was also willing to die for us. Our worth lies in the blood of Jesus and Jesus was willing to pay that price because we belong to Him. It hurts my heart to see young girls and women believe that our worth lies in anything less. I am still learning this and I hope that you can learn this as well. You are beautiful and unique. You have more to offer to the world than your looks and your body. Your value does not lie in your sexuality, but it lies in Who you belong to and the price that He was willing to pay.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

Hey all! This is just a brief look into a chapter in a book on my life that I'm writing called "The One" As I post more, just remember that Nothing is written in chronological order, but it is a bunch of short stories, based on men I encountered as a teenager who was looking for love.

The One Who Left me Fatherless

“Daddy, will you love me?”

“I already love you.”

“How do I know that you love me?”

“Because you are my little girl”

“What can I do to make you love me more?”

“There is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less”

For a good part of my childhood, I never really doubted my daddy’s love for me and when we would have conversations like the one above, I never doubted that my dad was telling the truth. As a little girl, he always made me feel special, like I was the most important person in the world. He would take me on special breakfast dates, let me skip school to spend time with him at work, sneak me out to the arcades during family vacations, and sing me to sleep every night. I remember specifically a time when I was 7 when he took me to dinner and then to get my ears pierced for the very first time. I remember sitting in the chair, looking at my daddy and feeling completely secure in his love. I remember as he watched me pick out a pair of butterfly earrings and the way he looked at me when I put them on, as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world. I remember having the most fun as a little girl by creating performances with my sister and putting on shows for daddy. I found so much joy in performing for him, not because I wanted to make him love me, but simply because I knew he did. My relationship with my daddy was special. I treasured it. I felt completely secure in his love for me, until the day he left. That day, he became the first of many men to break my heart. He was the one who left me Fatherless.

I remember so clearly the day that he left. He actually took me with him, yet only for a moment. He told my sister, my brother and me that we were going on an adventure for the weekend. My mom packed our stuff, but she did not pack hers. I was concerned that she wasn’t coming, but not too much that it diminished my excitement. I could not wait to spend time with him because I did not yet know that he would be the one who would leave me fatherless. Yet as the events of the day unfolded, my heart would be shattered and my life would never be the same. The four of us got into his car and headed out for our adventure. As we began, I was sure we were going to an amusement park. He seemed to be heading up that way on the highway, but I quickly realized that I was mistaken as we turned off an unfamiliar exit. My siblings and I were silent on the ride. My dad was also silent, until we pulled up to an unknown apartment complex and he explained that he would be living there from now on. From that moment on, I was completely broken.

The divorce of my parents completely changed my relationship with my dad. I went from having complete security in the love of my daddy, believing that he would be with me always, to having no confidence in a man who would now only see me every other weekend. As an adult, I understand that when parents divorce, there is always some sort of custody agreement where the father usually only sees the children every other weekend and on various holiday. However, as a 10 year old, I knew only that I was abandoned by my daddy.

The years progressed and we grew further apart. I resented him for leaving me and I resented his new life. My dad had a new girlfriend, who had children and it seemed they were making a new family. I didn’t much want to be part of it and I dreaded our “every other weekend visits.” Many events transpired, most of which were the result of my acting out, and eventually we entered into a period of time where we no longer saw each other, nor could we have a conversation without him yelling or me crying. Initially I didn’t care. He did, after all, leave me fatherless, and I thought I didn’t need him in my life. Yet as the years continued, without the love I once I had from him, I began to look for it in other places and it was then that I started asking the question to many different people; “Will you be the one to love me?”

Random Ramblings

Lately I have been feeling pretty blah. I wouldn't call myself depressed or anything, just maybe a little blue and undecided about my life. I feel like each day, I wake up, do the same thing, go to bed and then repeat it the next day. Maybe I'm just bored and maybe I'm just looking back at the past 27 years and wondering what in the world I have done so far. This probably isn't going to be an upbeat blog, but it is what it is. I'm 27 years old, married for 6 years and a pastor's wife, yet I'm still trying to figure out exactly who I am, what I want to do, and what my life is going to count for. I sacrificed ALOT to go to Bible school. As a young 19 year old girl, I was a fairly new Christian and all I really wanted to do was honor God, help impact someone's life and make my life count for something. Now, here I am, 8 years later, and I'm not sure if that's what I want at this moment. Maybe it's the fact that life is sometimes so boring that my highlight is when Joey Lawrence or Howie from the Backstreet Boys tweets me. Maybe its that I'm getting frustrated having to count each penny every day to pay our bills and hope that I can save up to do something exciting (I know good and well that had my husband and I went to school for something other than the ministry, our finances would probably be in much better shape) Or Maybe it's that the stress of actually working in ministry is far more than I ever expected and at the moment we are still a pretty small ministry. My guess it's all of the above. Before I went to Bible school, before I chose this life, I don't think I ever actually sat back and counted the cost. And now, I'm smack in the middle of how much it really costs and I'm frustrated and wondering if this is really the life I wanted. I've avoided writing this blog for a while. I'm not sure right now, whether I'll actually send it out for everyone to read. I feel like as a preacher's wife, I'm supposed to fit this mold where I have it all together and I say the right things. I feel like I shouldn't have struggles like this, like I shouldn't care about things like boy bands and clothing. Truth is, I think I'm really struggling to just be myself. I have a tendancy to swing from one extreme to another. I either end up putting on a happy face and trying to appear as holy and put together as possible and make sure I follow all the rules. Or, I go to the other extreme and do things that clearly don't honor God, simply because I don't want to have to fit into this perfect mold or be the person that everyone expects me to be. Recently a friend said something to me and it really stuck. This friend said "Sam, you are not being true to yourself. You spend all of your time trying to be exactly what everyone else expects you to be and at the core of it, this is not the person you are. Its like a tootsie pop. The shell tastes one way, but once you get past the exterior, there's a completely different flavor in there" That pretty much sums it up for me. On the outisde, I am one way, but at the very heart of me, I think I'm a completely different person that most people see. Don't get me wrong. I don't always try to put on a show for people. There is nothing fake about my Italian Jersey Attitude or my unhealthy love for boybands. But there's so much to me that's deeper than anyone knows. Most people outside of the church have no clue about my heart for God. Most people inside the church know nothing about my struggles and "worldy" desires. I feel like in both places, I'm only being half of who I really am. So maybe it's time for a change. Maybe I just need to learn that it's okay to take some time, figure out exactly who I am and what I want. And maybe its time that I stop being concerned about what anyone will think about me because of my choices and because of who I really am. I never really just embrace who I am... So here it is.. a list of some things about me. Take it or leave it, but at this moment, this is exactly who Samantha Rose Valentin is:

-I'm an Italian from Jersey and I've got the attitude to prove it

-I have an extremely unhealthy love for boybands (but I sort of love the obsession)

-I'm completely insecure about the way I look and I care way too much what people think

-I sometimes stare at my eyes in the mirror and feel happy that God gave me beautiful green eyes. Its the only feature about myself that I love

-If you don't notice me, I assume its because something is wrong with me

-I would do pretty much anything to please someone, sometimes even things that are borderline immoral.

-I get anxious on a pretty regular basis

-I think I have CDO, which is like OCD, but in alphabetical order, as it should be (hehehe)

-I have an unhealthy obsession with brownies.

-I love to sing and wish I could do it professionally, but I'm afraid if I try, I may fail

-I'm obsessed with my dog and I've convinced she is a human. (yes I let her lick my lips!)

-I have trouble saying "No" to everyone, except my husband. For some reason it's easy to say it to him

-I regret most of my past relationships and still deal with a lot of the heartache from them today

- I have started writing a book about my life at least 5 times and keep getting stuck

- I love sweat pants and pajamas. If it were socially acceptable, I would walk around in them all day, every day

- I believe that Jesus Christ died because I am a sinner and that the only way I can be saved is through faith in Him

-I'm learning to trust that even though my faith fails regularly, God's is still faithful

-I miss the days when I feel like I loved God more and I enjoy being in church, reading my Bible, and praying. Sometimes I fear that love will never come back.

- I love to dance, but I dance like your typical white girl.

- I could watch TV for hours and not care that I wasted the day

- I want to help young girls navigate through life, and I hope they won't make the same mistakes I made, and at times, that I still make.

- I am addicted to twitter

- I'm actually a pretty good actress and if I had the time of day, I'd love to go on some auditions

- My laugh is funny and my smile is pretty

- I'm an old fashioned girl that hates that she has to go to work every day because I'd rather stay home and cook, clean and raise kids

- I've always wanted to be a mom, but found out that there's only a 5% chance of that ever happening. I try to put on a brave face, but inside it still kills me

-I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. Once I make a decision, I will question it

-Christmas is my favorite time of year. I LOVE buying gifts for people and seeing them wrapped up under the tree

-I'm still not sure exactly what I want my life to look like, but I'm thinking now is a time to make some decisions and push forward

That's about all I can think of at the moment, but you get the picture. This is me. Take me or leave me, but I've gotta learn that it's okay to embrace who I am and remember that I am a work in progress.

Approval Addict

     This blog post has been a long time coming and is probably
one of the most difficult ones to write, mainly because it causes
me to actually admit I have a weakness and recognize that being perfect
just isn't possible. I can almost guarantee that after posting this blog,
I will start to wonder what all of you think.The reason for this is
because I am a complete approval addict. I thrive on the approval of others
and I dwell on anything I perceive to be disapproval.    
  I'm not sure exactly where all of this started. Maybe I have daddy issues
because my dad left and wasn't there for me. Maybe it has something to do
with being made fun of so badly in middle school that by the time I got
to high school I swore I would do whatever it took to be sure no one made
fun of me again. Where ever it started, its something that has become such
an addictive part of my life that its like a drug. There are literally times
when I feel like I haven't gotten my "approval fix" and my day will seem to
drag. I may even feel depressed. But as soon as someone compliments or affirms
me, my mood will change and I'll feel great again.    
   It took me a few years to really recognize the issue, but now more than
ever I am completely aware of how much it affects my life. I'm trying to
learn that its okay to be comfortable with who I am regardless of what others
may think about me. I have to remind myself daily that God says I am
"fearfully and wonderfully made" Regardless of the opinions of others, I have
been created exactly the way I was supposed to be created and no mistake was
made. I'm trying to teach myself to be confident in who I am and who I am
becoming. My husband reminds me daily that he loves me and accepts me and so
does God. I have no idea why I value to opinions of others so much, even the
people I don't even know. But everyday is a new day to grow, a new day to
learn and a new day to let go of my need to be approved by others. I think its
going to be a long journey, but I trust that God holds me tightly in
the grip of His grace and that "he who has begun this good work in me will
continue it until completion"

Feet Planted on Solid Ground

My alarm went off this morning at 5:30am. I hit the snooze button, and closed my eyes again, as if 10 extra minutes would really make a difference. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, the alarm went off again and I felt no more rested than I did 10 minute earlier. I decided that I needed to get up and get breakfast started so I stretched a little bit, threw the blankets off of myself and took the first steps to get out of bed. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, and like every morning, set my feet on the floor and walked to the kitchen. This is a routine for me every morning. This morning I started thinking about it though. There is never a single day that goes by, that I think about, nor doubt, that when I step onto my bedroom floor, that my feet will be planted on solid ground. I'm never shocked that instead of hovering about the ground and floating up to the ceiling, that I stay planted firmly on the ground. Why? Well for one I passed 5th grade science, and I'm pretty aware of the laws of gravity. I've never seen gravity, yet I'm confident that its there and I see it playing out in the world around me. There's never a moment of my life that I have ever doubted that at some point gravity would not come through and we would all float into space. Even when natural disasters strike; no earthquake, hurricane, tornado, flood or volcano will ever change the fact that gravity holds us all into place.
I am finding that I sometimes need to remind myself that the same thing is true with God. The same way that I am confident each morning that I will get out of bed and my feet will be planted on solid ground, I need to remind myself daily that God is holding me firmly in the grip of His Grace and that every day as I walk with Him, my feet are planted on solid ground. Its beens so difficult for me to remember this lately. I often find myself doubting God when its hard to see Him moving. It seems like one thing after another piling up. A few years ago, my husband and I found out that our chances of ever conceiving a child are only about 5%. This was probably one of the most devastating things I had ever heard. I have always desired to be a mom and seeing that dream begin to grumble before my eyes nearly destroyed me. It caused me to doubt. It caused me anger. It caused me to push people out of my life, and at first, caused me to push God away and refuse to run to him for comfort. It was a devastating blow. Shortly after that, I learned that my dad and my stepmom were getting divorced. It had been hard enough to deal with the divorce of my parents at 10 years old, and after 16 years of letting another family into my life and making them my own, loving them unconditionally, it was being ripped apart, and at 26, I felt like I was reliving the pain of my childhood. On top of that, I watched my 11 yr old sister and 6 year old brother have to suffer through what I did as a child. Recently I visited the house that my family once lived in, where we were once happy, and it broke my heart to see walls falling down and things left everywhere. It was a completele representation of my family; falling apart, and there was nothing I could do about it. I broke down and cried as I stood there. Top this off with family deaths and the everyday struggles of being married to a youth pastor and trying to help teenage girls figure out how to manage through life, I've felt completely overwhelmed and completely alone. Until today, where I had to remind myself, that regardless of my circumstances, regardless of my sin, regardless of the pain, hurt and struggles of life, my feet are planted on solid ground in Jesus Christ and I am held firmly in the grip of His grace. It doesn't matter what storm comes my way, nothing will change the constant that is the love of God. Nothing will separate me from it. Its been 2 years since I found out the news that we may never have kids, and while the pain never completely goes away, I have learned that my God is good and that He will provide a way. I am learning that He is my comfort and He is my strength and that it would be easy to serve God if I always got wanted I wanted, but its a much harder thing to serve Him when everything falls apart; and sometimes, the harder thing is what is best for me. I am learning to trust Him in my family situation and know that He is in control of all things. I can trust that even though he may not bring restoration like I hope, He WILL restore all things. I'm learning that life is hard and that's okay. Each day I need to be reminded that no matter what, just like I am confident that when I step out of bed my feet will hit the floor, I can be confident that in all things, my feet are planted on solid ground and God holds me in the grip of His grace.

This is the story...

The following is a very rough draft of the introduction to the book I am writing.. enjoy the preview...

This is the story of an angry girl. A girl who is angry with those who robbed her of her childhood, causing her to grow up faster than she should have. This is a story about a girl angry at her father for leaving her, causing her to feel a void that she spent her entire teenager years trying to fill. This is a girl who is angry at the woman her dad went to when he left, leaving her feeling second rate to his new family. This is the story of a girl angry at her mother for using her as a crutch when she went through her divorce. This is a girl, angry at the kids who made fun of her so badly that she would rather die than go to school. This is the story of a girl angry at the guy, who at 18 didn't have the sense to keep his hands off a 13 year old girl. This is the story of an angry girl who despises the camp counselor who didn't look away from the girl who was 4 years younger than her, but instead used her school girl crush on him as an excuse to take advantage of her. This is a girl who is angry at all the guys who used her and tossed her aside when all she wanted was someone to love her. She was left feeling alone, useless, unloved and dirty. This is the story of an angry girl.
But this is also the story of redemption. This is the story of a girl who encountered Christ. This is a girl who found the answer to fill the void in her life. This is the story of a girl who surrendered her hurt, her loneliness, her filth, and her anger to a merciful God who looked on her with compassion and said, "I love you and I have sent my Son for you." This is the story of a girl whose life was turned upside down and who was transformed to a new person. This is the story of a girl whose life was given back to her. I am that girl. This is my story.

The Love of my Life

In 2002 before I met my husband Isaac, him and his friend Jhonna were hanging out at his friend Anthony's house. He told me that while hanging there, he saw a picture of this blonde girl hanging up on the wall and asked Anthony "Who is that girl? She's hot" Anthony made a face and said "Man thats my stepsister!" (I tell this story only from what Isaac told me) Later that day when driving home, Isaac and Jhonna had a conversation about the fact that they never knew Anthony had a good looking stepsister. Three years later, Isaac married Anthony's stepsister. (Thats me by the way if you haven't caught that yet...btw.. I'm not calling msyelf hot.. just repeating the story my husband told bc I thought it was really cool that he saw a picture of me months before we met and was attracted to me.. its a cute story if you ask me.. haha) Anyways, I didn't meet Isaac until I gradutated highschool and moved to PA. Isaac had already known my dad and step family because he went to church with them. When I met Isaac, I was instantly attracted to him. After a few days of getting to know him and seeing his heart for God, I began to think "I could marry someone like him" (I kept that to myself though bc I figured it would be creepy to tell him that) Isaac and I became pretty good friends and I would pray and ask God that if he was the man for me, that we could develop a good friendship before we started dating because I wanted to have a relationship that honored Him (In the past all my relationships didn't honor God at all and I wasn't friends with any of the people I dated) Isaac and I grew close and more and more I felt he was the man I would marry and about a year and a half later, he finally figured it out! =) Isaac and I dated 5 months before he asked me to marry him and on July 9, 2005 I married my best friend. We had our ups and downs, especially in the first 2 years. Neither of us really knew what a healthy marriage should look like and so we acted in the only ways we knew how, none of which were actually healthy or biblical. We praise God though because a few of our teachers at CFNI really invested in our lives and helped us learn how to honor God and each other in our marriage. Today I have to say that besides my salvation, I think Isaac is the greatest gift that God has ever given me. He is a man who loves God and because he loves God, he loves me. He has walked me through some difficult times. He's sat up with me at night when I've cried. He's spent nights up praying for me while I slept. Isaac has worked extremely hard to provide for me and has always excelled in his jobs. I can't even count how many times I have come home from work on a day that he had off to find that he spent the day cleaning our apartment. I have so much fun with him. We are constantly laughing and goofing off. He leads me spiritually. At night he reads through a few chapters of the Bible with me and asks me questions to challenge what I believe. When I asked him why he why he was constantly asking me questions and challanging what I was telling him I believed, he told me because he wanted me to learn to have a firm foundation on what I believed that wouldn't be shaken every time I heard something different. When he told me why he was challenging me I was so greatful that he was teaching me in this way. I have spent a few years so confused because I had heard so many different doctrines and I was being pullled in all different directions. It caused me more harm that good. I'm so greatful for a husband who is teaching me how to explore the Bible and really grasp what it is I believe and to hold firm to what the Word of God is saying. He is such an incredible man of God. I am so unbelievably greatful for him. He provides for me. He loves me. He leads me and he is evidence of God's grace in my life.

Daddy's Girl

Many people know my story, but I feel that now is a great time to share with those who may not know the grace that God has upon my relationship with my father. This is the extreme condensed version, but in its condensed form is still an amazing work that God did. When I was about 11 years old, my dad left us. Technically he was in my life, but he was no longer with my mom or living at home and in my mind, he left me. Over the years I grew to resent him. Eventually our relationship consisted of screaming matches on the phone and rarely ever seeing him. We went through a period of time when we didn't really talk at all and it was during that time that God began to change things. I didn't grow up as a Christian and I had no idea that churches existed beyond the Catholic church. When I was 15 my friend invited me to a youth night with her where there were teenagers praying for teenagers. I felt something different there and I felt like what they were teaching was true. It made sense to me. I continued going to church and eventually went to camp with the youth group that summer. During that camp I really gave my life to Christ and I remember walking out of the service that night saying "If only my dad knew about this Jesus, our relationship would be better. I would have my dad back" I remember praying for him and asking others to pray for him to. About a year later I was talking to my dad online via instant message and he said to me "Samantha, I need to tell you something, today I stood up in front of people for the first time and accepted Jesus" I remembered sitting at my computer crying. I remembered thinking to myself "whoa this prayer thing actually works" It was one of the best days of my life. I later learned that the day he told me that was not actually the day he gave his life to Jesus, but the day he got the courage to stand up in a crowd and tell people. When we actually talked back to the time he gave his life to Christ, it was around the same time I did. I was praying for him and I had no idea that God had already answered me. My relationship with my dad started to grow. I eventually moved in with him and although we had our ups and downs, I am always amazed at how God restored our relationship and I am always amazed at the man that God made my father into. My father is a completely different man today that the one I knew growing up. He is a man after God's own heart, who seeks to please Him and live his life according to the Word of God. He is a constant encouragement to me and I am more proud of him than ever. His faith is such an example and I thank God because he gave me a new dad. I was once fatherless but now I have a man of God for a father and he is evidence of God's grace in my life.

Financial Provision

I'm always a little hesitant to talk about money. I don't want anyone to mistake what I'm saying to mean that following God means that you will be rich and prosperous and be able to get whatever you want. Following Jesus does not in any way guarantee more money. It doesn't mean that God will rain down money from heaven and give you everything you want. Nor does it guarantee an easier life (Following Christ actually guarantees suffering and difficulties) However, I do feel that I should always praise God and give Him glory when he has made such a financial provision in my life. For the most part of our (my and Isaac's) marriage, we have struggled financially, however we have always made it through. Recently I noticed that the financial burden of our bills and expenses has seemed to lighten up. We both got new jobs and pay raises which was great, but wasn't until recently that I realized how much God had done. I am a hyper organized person. I do our family budget a few months in advance where I estimate our income and our expenses during each month. While doing this I wanted to estimate our annual income because we recently found out that we OWE taxes this year and I wanted to see if our income increase had anything to do with it. While calculating it, I decided to find out what we were making annually 3 years ago when we started working for CFNI. I discovered that because of gradual pay increases, we are now making significantly more combined that we did 3 years ago. (I don't want to write the exact amount cuz I'm just not quite sure if that's right to do or not.. but it was enough that we owe taxes this year) I was shocked because I didn't realize how much God had increased our income to lighten the burden we had. I noticed that when an emergency came up (car breaking down, medical bills, and the suprise taxes) we didn't really feel stressed because we had saved up enough to cover it, but I just never paid attention to how great the provision was. That's not really what amazed me though. While we can pay our pay our bills, save some and have a little spending money, we are no where near well off. We are paying our bills with a little extra to spare. What really amazed me was how in the world we survived 3 years ago. At that point between the two of us, what we made combined equaled to about 1 person's not so great salary, yet we made it. My husband and I sat down talking about it and we are utterly amazed at how we made it through. During that time we had the added expense of a school bill and 4 credit cards that needed to be paid off. I can't fathom how in the world we made it. The only way we survived. The only way we made it through and didn't end up having to leave CFNI and go back to the east coast is because of the financial provision from God. Somehow he helped us make it through. I have no idea how we survived, but we did. He is Jehovah Jireh. He is my provider and this is evidence of His grace in my life.

My new job

I spent 3 years of my life working for Christ for the Nations in the security department. When I started the job, I enjoyed it so much. It challenged me and caused me to grow and helped me realize that I had a gift of administration that I was never aware that I had. For the most part I enjoyed my job. However, the past 6 months to a year became a burden to me. I no longer felt challenged. I was bored with the same thing every day and I felt like I went to school to be in ministry and was wasting everything I learned. There was also a lot of division in the department. People started arguing about doctrine and overall my faith began to weaken. I was unhappy with where I was and to be quite honest, unhappy with the money I was making. I whined and complained about it for a while. My attitude was horrible at times and all the while my faith was slipped. I fell into confusion and doubt and I praise God that he held me tight in his hand because I wasn't holding on at all. Finally about 2 months ago, I began to feel content with where God had me. My attitude started changing and I realized that if this was the position God had me in, I needed to be content in that and know that God knows best. And so I was. I was content and I started to enjoy my job again. However I still struggled with my walk, but I praise God for my husband who was walking me through it. Then about a month ago I recieved a call from my pastor's wife and my friend. She informed me that an administrative position opened up at the church in the Day Care office. To make a long story short, I took the position and I praise God because it was exactly what I needed. I am excited about my job. I enjoy going to work each day. I absolutely love my church and if I have to be anywhere more than I am at home, I'm glad its at my church and I'm glad I'm with my church family. I feel like I am in an environment where I am being challenged again, where I can grow. I feel I am in a place where I can add value to the church and Day Care. I'm also in a place where I agree with doctrine of the church and therefore I'm not falling into confusion on a regular basis. I can listen to sermons throughout the day that edify me and lift me up and cause my to grow. I feel at peace with where I am. I praise God for the provision that he made in my life. This is evidence of His grace in my life.

A Woman Needs...

To be pursued
To be loved
To be cared for
To be protected
To be sheltered
To be held
To be comforted
To be desired
To be beautiful
To be worthy
To be valuable
To be cherished
To be needed

To have purpose

Cease Striving

So I had a bit of a revelation today. Seriously for the first time in a long time I really feel that God spoke directly to me. Not audibly, or even in my head, but by leading me to his Word. It's pretty amazing. Most of you probably do not know that for a while I have just felt completely spiritually dead. I mean I have had no desire to seek God, but I did desire to desire to seek him, if that makes any sense. Anyway, the lack of love and passion in my heart for the Lord ached at me all the time. I've spent most of my days trying to figure out how I can get that back. I've literally agonized. Today I read a survey that someone posted and her love for God was so evident in it, that it just broke my heart. I mean I was kinda jealous because I wanted to love the Lord and have the passion that she did. So I figured I have to do something. I'm tired of sitting around trying to figure out how to change this I got up and went to my bookshelf and just stared at it for a few minutes and prayed (in my head) that God would just help me find something that would help push me forward out of the rut. Finally I decided to just pick up a little devotional type book I had that was sort of a "checklist" of things women can do in their growing with God I also grabbed a Bible, which wasn't mine, just an NASB version that had been sitting on the shelf. I read the little devotion for the day and then looked at the to do list. One of the things to do was memorize a Bible verse and it recommended Psalms 46:1. I turned to it and read it and then continued to read. I'm not one to just read one verse. Then when I got to Psalm 46:10, my mouth about dropped. The verse says "Cease striving and know that I am God" It shocked me. I mean this whole time all I've been doing is trying to figure out how I can get my passion for God back. Then I looked up the verse online because I was quite sure that this was a translation of "Be still and know that I am God" which I found out it was. I was so amazed. I have read that verse so many times and tried to figure out how I can be still... like did it literally mean to get alone and just sit there. Then when I read the verse in the NASB and looked up the Hebrew Words, sure enough it means, "Cease striving, abort, forsake" in a sense STOP IT. I've spent all this time trying to figure out how to be "right" with God and how to get that passion back and God has been trying to tell me "Stop it. Just know that I am God" It's amazing that I have never figured this out before. I mean people tell me all the time that my walk with God is not about what I do and do not do for him and its not about how I can get myself "right" but its about God. I guess it just actually sticks when God is literally screaming the words of the page. I have no doubt that God lead me to that verse today. I would have never thought to pick up the "checklist" devotional. I barely ever read from a Bible that is not mine. It was just a God thing And its pretty awesome

God's Love

That picture is of my little Noelle who is coming home on November 22. These past few days have given me some thoughts about God's love for me. I have been excited about her since I found out she was going to be mine. Not only that, but for 2 months before she was purchased, I have looked at her pictures online and fell in love with her and prayed that somehow a long list of things would work out so that I could take her home (which by the way were a series of miracles) I haven't even met her yet, but already I know she is mine. She belongs to me and I love her. This made me think. I have been counting down the days till Noelle comes home and she is just a puppy. If I already love this puppy so much, how much more does God love me, His child. I wonder if God counted down the days leading up to my salvation. I wonder if he waited patiently and eagerly saying, "In 10 more days Samantha is going to give her life to me. I'm so excited to be able to finally spend time with her and share my love with her." I mean the Bible does say there is great rejoicing in heaven when 1 sinner repents. Then I wonder if he eagerly awaits spending time with me each day. I think he does. I know God is way more excited about me that I am about a puppy. (And trust me I am excited) and I know that God loves me way more than I could ever love a puppy (or my husband or a child for that matter). As dumb as it might sound, getting a puppy is teaching me alot. I mean, God tends to use things we can relate to in order to speak to our hearts. This is definately something that has spoken to mine. As I talked with Isaac today about how I was so excited for next Saturday, it just hit me that the excitement I am feeling right now is just a grain of sand compared to the excitement and love God has for me. I think its really awesome that God can use every little thing that happens in our lives as a teachable moment.