New Beginings

My life has taken quite the turn lately and to be quite honest- its terrifying. Within a matter of a month my marriage has ended, my stepfather has passed away and my biological father has decided to step away from my life. Its been quite the emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I've spent the past few weeks with a plethora of emotions that are hard to even describe. I have felt overwhelmed, scared, heartbroken, angry, sad, guilty, and sometimes even hopeful and excited for whats to come. However those moments of hope and excitement are often short lived and overwhelmed by one of my biggest fears- being alone. For the first time in 9 years, I am alone and it terrifies me. I have literally been through hell and back. Ive felt so torn down and beaten up that I often question who I am, what I'm capable of and what I have to offer the world. I've felt completely alone and have been taught for years that if I can't measure up to people's standards that I'm not worth their time, love and effort. I've wallowed in these thoughts for weeks. I've done things I normally wouldn't because of them. I've isolated myself from people I love. I've let my mind race with irrational fears. I've allowed myself to feel more depressed in the past few weeks than I've ever really felt in my life. I've believed the lies that things can't get better. I've put on a front that I'm doing okay when in reality, I've been completely terrified for my future. A few months ago, my future was certain. It was a crappy, miserable, abusive future,  yet as unhealthy as that was I still found comfort in knowing that there was some sort of certainty in it. Now nothing is certain. I'm on my own and I've let the fear of being on my own completely paralyze my life. I've felt like my story ends here and I've acted as if my story ends here....
Lucky for me, God always has a way of grabbing me and finding ways to speak to me and remind me that everything is going to be okay. Today was a rough day. Everything came crashing down at once. Guilt of how I acted towards my stepdad before he passed away overwhelmed me. My marriage ending, unhealthy as it was, still bothered me knowing that 9 years of my life is over and the thought that my father has left me abandoned to deal with the pain of all of that was just too much. I really felt like I was losing it and the only person I could think to call was my former pastor in Dallas. That was kind of my first clue that maybe God still had a plan for me- that of all the people in my phone book- he would be the one I wanted to speak to. We had a nice talk. I was able to just let everything out. I told him everything- every stupid mistake I've made- every single unhealthy thing I've done to try and cope with the pain of life and still he told me- "Your story isn't over. God isn't done with you. He still has plans for you. It doesn't end here." With everything I've been though- every struggle I've had- every mistake I've made- every negative thought I've had, it really stuck with me to remember that no matter what "My story doesn't end here" A lot in my life has changed. A lot has made me feel like it's just over and life is hopeless, but I need to remind myself daily that my story doesn't end here. I'm still breathing and there's still hope. I have countless opportunities ahead of me. I can make choices to better my life. I can pull my life together. I can survive on my own. I can learn to be comfortable in my own skin. I can learn to be an overcomer. I can take each day as a new beginning- a new day to start something new. I've spent months feeling like my life is over, but maybe I need to look at things differently and remind myself that my life is beginning. I have a chance to start over. I have a chance to learn to be comfortable with myself. I have a chance to take all the negativity and all the thoughts of worthlessness from the past few years and turn them around to thoughts that are true and positive and beneficial.  I have an opportunity to decide for myself exactly what I want for my life. I get to chose who I am going to be. I get to chose the direction my life will go. I get to chose to be happy. I get to chose to be confident without being torn down. I get to chose to love myself and who I am. More importantly I get to actually discover who I am because to be quite honest, I think a lot of me is still a big question mark. I can't pretend it will be easy. I think a lot of this is definitely much easier said than done. I've literally had to make a conscious effort to start reaching out to people who aren't going to let me sit around feeling miserable and hurt. I guess its not supposed to be easy though. Life is hard. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And the uncertainty of my future is absolutely terrifying. But I need to make a conscious decision to at least change the way I think about all of this. So I guess this is my step 1- Change my thoughts of it being over for me and fearing the future and turn those thoughts into ones of a new beginning, with new possibilities and new adventures. At least if I begin to change my though process, I can then begin to change my actions. One step at a time. Its not the end. Its a new beginning.

All Tangled Up

Today I went to my moms house for dinner and as usual I brought my dog, Noelle, with me. Noelle is a tiny 5lb yorkie. She is a little diva, and I love her. She's more than just a pet. She my baby. However, there are times when my little Noelle drives me completely insane. Today was one of those days. After dinner, I put Noelle's leash on, walked her to the car and put her in. Immediately she climbes underneath the dash board from the passenger side to the driver's side on the floor. No matter how many times I tell this dog, she still thinks she can drive. She did all this while her leash was still on, so needless to say, she got a bit tangles. I managed to get her out from by my feet and put her back on the passanger's side and told her to stay. She jumped on the floor and stayed there. It was about a 5 minute drive home and somehow by the time we it home, she managed to get her leash completely tangled around her paws. She couldn't even jump up onto the seat. I grabbed her and tried to get her untangled, but the more I tried to untangle her, the more she fought me. I found myself sitting in my car, thunk and lightning around me, arguing wit a dog trying to get her to relax so I could untangle her paws. The more she fought me and tried to wrestle her way out, the more tangled she got and the more difficult she made it for me to untangle her. After Agnew minutes of fighting with my diva dog, I finally got her untangled and literally yelled at her "don't you reliaze that I can see what I'm doing and if you would just stop fighting me I could untangle you much quicker?" It was at that point that I realized that God even uses tiny, spoiled rotten, pain in the butt, diva dogs to teach us something. Sometimes we get ourself all tangled up. We can be tangled up in sin, in fears or worry, in hopelessness, in uncertainty and tons of other things. Many times we have no clue how we even got to the place we are in, but we have to learn to recognize one thing-God can see much better than we can and he can get us unstuck. Sometimes in the midst of fear, worry, anxiet, sin, uncertainy etc we get so worked up in trying to "get ourselves out" that we actually end up fighting against God who sees perfectly and knows exactly what needs to be done to get us untangle. I'm reminded of the verse "Be still and know that I am God"-Psalm 46:10. There are times in our lives when God is saying "Just be still. Stop fighting me. Stop trying to figure things out. Just trust me and let me get you untangled." In those times, we may not need to panic and try to get ourselves untangles, we just need to be still, and trust in God who knows perfectly. There are many times in my life when my first reaction is to panic. Whether I find myself in a difficult situation, overwhelmed with life or struggling with sin- my reaction is usually panic and frantically trying to figure out how to fix it. Sometimes it take a tiny little diva of a dog for me to realize that if life has me all tangled up- I just need to be still and let God untangle things.

I'm in over my head

Two years ago my husband and I decided to go to San Antonio, TX for our anniversary. Before our trip to San Antonio, I had each day planned out with what places we would visit and how much money we could spend in each place. The place I was most looking forward to seeing was Sea World. I was so excited to get to see all of the shows, ride the rides, see some dolphins and of course, try to get a close up with Shamu. I ordered our tickets ahead of time to make sure we didn't have to wait in line once we got there. On the day we were going to Sea World, I got Isaac up extra early so we could make it to Sea World before it opened. I wanted to be first in line, and we were. Once the gates opened up, we went inside, got a map of the park and schedule of show times and I began to plan out our entire day. After spending a few minutes looking at the map, I had calculated the order in which we would see different attractions and planned out the entire day so we could do everything. Isaac, of course, looked at me like I had 5 heads and tried to talk me into going with the flow, but he could see how badly I wanted to see everything and knew that I had made up in my mind the order in which I wanted to do it so he went along with my planned out day. We ended up having a wonderful time, probably one of the most fun days that I can remember and of course, we were able to do and see everything. My plan worked.
The problem, however, is that I attempt to live my entire life like this and I get in over my head. There isn't a single aspect of my life that I don't try to plan ahead on or figure out. I have our budget set up six months in advance (including possible alternate scenarios in case our situation changes) I run off of to-do lists. I organize my cleaning schedule, my cooking menu, and just about every aspect of my life down to the specific day that I chose to run certain errands. (Thursdays are food shopping days and if I visit the grocery store on a different day, those who know me best will question why) My obsessive need for organization and planning is both a gift, and a curse. I tend to excel at my job. I do administrative work and I'm able to figure out how to make my doctor's practice run better, organize the office and take care of all of the needs of the patients. My household is always in order. Our bills are payed on time and I have learned to strategically stretch every dollar that comes in. Planning and organization is probably one of my greatest strengths, but at the same time one of my greatest weaknesses.
In all of my planning and all of my organizing, I tend to forget to rely on God. I spend all of my days trying to figure out how to make things work, that I don't realize that many of the things in my life aren't meant to be figured out, but that I'm meant to just trust God with them. This is so difficult for me. I like to know whats going on. I like to have a plan and I like to know how everything is going to work out. God, however, doesn't always like to give me all of the details and I've struggled with this for years. When I can't figure something out, or when I can't make it work, anxiety sets in and causes me to panic. I hate the feeling of not being in control. I hate the feeling of not knowing whats next, and in that I feel like I've missed out on what can be a very exciting life. I want to learn to love the feeling of not knowing, because even if I don't know whats next, I know the One who does know whats next. I want to live my life in peace knowing that all though I don't have it all figured out, I know the One who has not only figured it all out, but actually made the plans himself. My greatest desire is to live my life in freedom from the anxiety of not knowing. It's so hard for me. There is so much uncertainty in my life and I tend to focus on those things rather than what is certain. It's uncertain when my husband will be able to start working in New Jersey and will be here every day, instead of 3 days a week. Its uncertain if or when we will ever have children. Its uncertain of when and where we will start working in ministry again. Its uncertain if we will ever be able to afford a home. Its uncertain we will live to see tomorrow. So much in our lives is uncertain, but rather than focusing on the uncertainties in life, I need to learn to focus on the One who is always certain, Jesus Christ. Although I don't know what life will bring, Jesus does and is holding me up through it all. Although I don't know how to get Isaac a job in NJ, Jesus does and He's preparing the way. Although I don't know if Isaac and I will ever be able to have children, Jesus does and until he reveals that to us, He is there to comfort the broken hearts of two people who want nothing more than to be parents. Although it's uncertain when and where Isaac and I will end up next in ministry, Jesus is preparing us for that next place and He is preparing the way for us. My prayer for myself is to let go of the fear of the things that are uncertain and to trust fully in the one who is always certain. I can by all means use my gifts in administration to plan and organize the things that I can, but there comes a time that once I've done everything I can do, its time to sit back and trust God to do everything that I can't do. I need to let go of trying to figure everything out, and instead hold tight to Jesus who will never leave me, forsake me, or fail me. I may not have all the answers, but I know the One who does, and its time I learn to trust him more and rely on myself less.

This song pretty much sums it up...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K-d85ifVSU&feature=related

Money, Money, Money, Money

I’ve always had a lot of anxiety when it comes to money. I spend hours budgeting, planning and trying to figure out how to make life work with what Isaac and I have. I’m in constant fear that we won’t have enough- not enough to buy a house, or a car, or to afford to have kids, or be able to go on vacation, or be able to retire. Sometimes I even worry because I don’t think we have enough to eat healthy and make wise choices concerning our bodies. I mean, I’m pretty convinced that America wants everyone to be fat because eating healthy is definitely more expensive that eating unhealthy. And so in areas concerning money, anxiety always sets in; fear always set in and I’m always afraid of not having enough to get by.
I never stopped to think that I was the type of person who “worshiped” money. I mean, there are people around us who are constantly looking for the next buck, to get rich and have lots of things for themselves. I’m that person who shakes her head at those rappers who take pictures in their piles of money and think “Look at these fools worshiping their money. Don’t they know when they die, they can’t take it with them” Since my fears are in wanting to get by and not in a
desire for wealth and material things, I never really thought I had a problem when it came to “worshiping money” I’ve read this verse hundreds of times and never once even thought that this could be me: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money”- Matthew 6:24
But then today someone said something to me that completely changed my perspective on
things and caused me to have to take a step back and look at myself. I was explaining that I didn’t understand why I was constantly worrying about money and whether we had enough to make it by. She said, “Well because you find security in money, in knowing that money is the source in which you have food, clothing, shelter, luxuries, etc.” For some reason when she said that, I
realized that my problem was that I found security in money rather than God, who is the source of money. I have completely looked past the God who provides everything I need. I spend so much of my time trying to calculate how much we need in order to buy a house or a car or
to be able to have kids that I never take into consideration that God has promised to provide for me all that I need. I may not worship money in a sense of loving it so much that I’m going to roll around in it (although I won’t lie, I’d probably find it fun to get a bunch of $1 bills and roll around like in the movies. Haha) But I do put money in a place above God because I’m trusting in money to provide, rather than in God, the source of all we have. I am guilty of turning to my budget and trying to see where I can squeeze things into, rather than turning to God. I am guilty of spending more time planning and budgeting my income than praying and seeking after my God.
I am trying to learn that I need to put my trust in God and in God alone. He is the source of all provision for me. He knows what I need. He knows my desires. He knows how to meet those needs and I don’t have to stress out trying to figure out how to make it all work. God knows how it will work and God will work everything out perfectly. It doesn’t mean that he’s going to give me everything that I want, but he has promised to provide all that I need. He has also promised that as I delight in Him, he will give me the desires of my heart. If some of the things my heart desires require financial provision, he will provide it. God is the source of everything I need and I can put my trust in Him knowing that He loves me and desires that I am taken care of and secure. I’m learning that with all things in life, money is fleeting. It will come and go, but one thing will
remain constant and that is God, and in Him is where my trust and security need to lie.

One, Two, Three: Is This Really For Me?

When my husband and I were going into our second year of college, we decided that we needed to buy a new car. Although the car we had probably had a few more months in her and was paid off, we felt like we were at a point where we needed an upgrade. We had enough money for a down payment on a car and decided that we were going to trade in our car and finance a newer used one. I figured that we had a little bit of money coming to us and even though my husband, Isaac, was currently unemployed, my paycheck would be enough to cover the payments. Besides, we trusted God and we KNEW that God would just provide Isaac a job soon. We made our first few car payments and everything seemed to be going fine, until the car broke down. The repairs ended up costing us $1200, which wiped out our savings account and it took about a week to fix the car. I was unable to get to work and ended up losing my job. We began missing car payments and were scrambling to find a way to pay our rent, buy food, make and make our school payments.
One morning, my husband left our apartment to go to school. Within a minute he called me and told me that our car was gone. We knew that 1 of 2 things happened. Either our car was stolen (Which was very likely in our neighborhood) or it was repossessed. I called the car dealership and sure enough, the car had been repossessed. We were at a loss of what to do. We felt hopeless. We discovered that it would cost us $500 to get our car out of repo and we did not have that money, nor could we continue to make the payments after we got our car back. My father offered to pay the $500 payment for us, but we realized that even if we got our car back, we still couldn't pay for school or rent and that we risked losing our apartment and we might have to live out of that car. We thanked my dad and asked him to instead put the money towards our school and rent, which he did. We spent the next year without a car.
My husband and I eventually found jobs that were on campus and we didn't need a car to get to work, Slowly our finances began to stabilize and although we had to borrow friend's cars to get around, we were able to have our bills paid and food on our table. It was one of the hardest years of our lives, but we had no one to blame but ourselves.

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it - lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:28-33)

Isaac and I were so determined to upgrade our car that we never really sat down and figured out if we could really afford what it would cost to get a newer car. We assumed we could afford the payments. We relied on money that was not yet there and never took into account that the car might break down. We made the mistake that many people make in their lives. We didn't count the cost.
I remember when I first started going to church and became a Christian. I was so excited to learn that there was a God that loved me and had forgiven all the craziness I had gotten myself into. I was so happy that Jesus cared about me enough that he was handling my problems. But I was also foolish enough to believe people who told me that serving God made life easy. In the beginning of my Christian walk, I made a lot of rash decisions without ever thinking about what it might cost me. I left friends behind, not realizing that someday I would miss them. I abandoned relationships, not knowing that someday I would still hurt from them. I chose Bible school, not realizing it wouldn't guarantee financial stability. I never took into consideration that following God was going to be hard and would cost me laying down a lot of my wants and desires for what God wanted. My husband and I decided to pursue going full time ministry, and never took into account that it would cost us a lot of our time, a lot of our money, and a lot of heartache and frustration. Eventually I ended up right smack in the middle of a crazy ministry and a difficult walk with God and I thought to myself, "This isn't what I signed up for" I actually felt pretty angry and overwhelmed. I was foolish enough to believe it would all be easy and when it wasn't, I began to think, "I want out." I was shocked to discover the difficulty of it all. Had I listened to and applied the verse above, I would still be in the same situation, but I wouldn't be as shocked about it.
Jesus is telling uas that we need to literally think about and consider what being a disciple is going to cost us. Its not going to be easy, but if you go in knowing that its not going to be easy, at the very least, you won't be shocked and blindsided when all hell literally breaks lose in your life. You already knew this is what it would cost and you are wiling to fight through it.
I think this is true of anything in our lives as well. Recently my husband and I decided we needed to get in shape. The first thing we did was talk about what it was going to cost us to get healthy. We would have to sacrifice food that we liked, give up fast food, wake up earlier to exercise and push ourselves in ways that are going to hurt. In the past, we have tried so many diets that failed, but I believe its because we never considered what it was going to cost us. We are going into this knowing it will be difficult and we won't be shocked when we wake up the morning after a hard work out feeling like we have just been hit by a Mack Truck. It's already expected and we are stocking up on Bengay.
Anything we do in life is going to cost us something. However, anytime we have to pay a price for something, we are going to be getting something of value in return. It's not all for nothing. When choosing to follow God, I've learned that its going to cost me everything, but in return, I gain everything. I gain eternal life. I gain the opportunity to help people and see lives changed. I gain the opportunity to be a part of something that is bigger than me.I And in dieting and exercising I am going to gain more confidence, be healthier, and lets be honest- hopefully and rocking bikini body.
Everything has a cost and everything has a reward. Life is going to be hard. The things we do and work for our going to be hard, but we are less shocked if we count the cost and anticipate it coming, Its quite possible that you may sit down, count the cost of something and determine its not for you, and that's okay too. But the idea is to know what we are getting ourselves into ahead of time, Then if we choose to go all in, we can keep up our endurance to finish and receive that reward. It really sucked that Isaac and I invested so much money into that car and in the end had nothing to show for it. Before getting into something, count the cost and make your investments worth something.

A Year of Regret

In about 2 months, my nephew Izzy is going to celebrate his first birthday. For the first 6 months of Izzy's life, I had the privilege to live under the same roof as him. When my sister in law and brother in law first brought him home, he was so tiny. You were almost afraid to hold him because you didn't want to break him. As the days, weeks and months went by Izzy began to get bigger and stronger and everyone in the house became less and less afraid that he would break. Izzy was a healthy boy and continues to be. Now he's crawling and starting to walk. He's a big ball of energy that definitely gives my sister in law a run for her money. As he is approaching his first birthday, he has grown into a much bigger little boy than he was when he was first brought home, as he should be. You see, no one has major concerns about Izzy's health, because he is growing. Healthy things grow. If Izzy was still the same size today as he was the day he was brought home, everyone would have concerns. It would be obvious that something was not right.

The same is true of ourselves. Recently I have just taken a small look at where I am in my walk with God and where I am in my character and my attitude. I can honestly say I am not happy with what I see. If healthy things grow, I, by all means, am not healthy. The past year has been extremely difficult for me. My husband and I moved from Dallas, TX to a VERY small "farm town" in Pennsylvania so that my husband could take a position as a youth pastor. For those of you who have ever lived in or near a city, which I have my entire life, you can imagine that moving to a place where cow tipping could be a hobby is quite a crazy adjustment. We moved in with his parents because we had not had jobs secured when we made the move. Throughout the year we have faced financial difficulties, stresses of not having our own home and the stresses of not only working in ministry, but working with family in ministry, who don't always see eye to eye. Add on top of that the heartache we are working through dealing with infertility, when the one thing we both desire most is to be parents and the frustration of not having many friends here that we can lean on, gain support from and be encouraged by, I have really begun to drown in all of this.

As I look back on the past year, I would love to say that I have held tight to the Word of God, trusted Him and continued to stay strong. I'd like to say that I prayed through difficulties and that as a result my faith has increased and I have learned new things. I'd like to say that I remained a good example to the kids in our youth group and a great helper to my husband, but I can't really say any of that. As I look back on the past year, I realize that I can't really stand what I have become, although at the same time, what I have become has been quite comfortable for me.

My attitude is horrible. I'm pretty much angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, then I'm usually laughing, but mostly at the expensive of someone else. My language is horrible. I've become increasingly concerned with my looks and how people think about the way I look. Rather than seeking after God, or doing anything productive with my time when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I've distracted myself with Twitter, and boys bands on twitter and friends on Twitter. Don't get me wrong, I think its a great way to interact with people, but there is a time when things go too far. I've crossed the line in flirting. I've crossed the line in conversations with people and I've somehow reverted back to the person I was in HS- bitter, mean, and concerned only about being attractive and getting attention. And while its been and easy distraction, fun at times, and I've enjoyed the attention, it only satisfies for so long.

The easier thing to do, is usually not the thing that is best for us. I have always been one to look for the easy way out. I hate waiting. I hate difficulties and if that Staples easy button actually worked, I'd probably sell my left kidney to get one. The easy thing usually only satisfies for a moment and rarely has lasting results. The things that take time and effort or those that always satisfy more in the end. My husband always tells me that I want things in life to be like a microwave. I want a quick easy solution that gets me by. Sure, you can cook food in a microwave, but is it ever really THAT good? I mean, it satisfies in the moment, but compare it to a meal you make in a crock pot. That's a meal that's been slow cooking for 8 hours, with all the flavors marinating in it. Its a meal that satisfies. And while the microwave meal can get you by, it will never satisfy like the one in the crock pot.

I have spent the past year looking for quick solutions to my problems. Ive taken easy escapes from my frustrations. As a result Ive compromised my character and I've taken major steps backwards in my pursuit of God. And while I haven't completely turned my back on my faith, I have just been a poor example of a leader, and for that I repent. I've always desired to be a woman who could lead a generation of young girls by example, and this year I have failed in doing that. It's hard to look back on the past year and see that I've clung to everything but Christ in the difficult times, that I've failed to trust Him, when He has never failed to come trhough for me. Its hard to swallow, but at the same time, I find hope in looking forward to the future. I find peace in knowing that God's mercies are new each morning and that when we fall, we can get back up and keep moving forward. This year is a year I'm choosing the harder path, choosing to pursue joy in Christ rather than happiness in things that are fleeting. As my husband and I continue to face difficulties, I'm going to choose to trust God and have faith that we are standing on solid ground that will not crumble beneath us. It's a choice I know I will have to make each and every day, but I'm just tired of looking back at my life with regret. It's about time I trust God and look forward with hope.

The Rear View Mirror

Has this ever happened to you: You are driving on the highway, and you check
your rear view mirror to see what’s behind you? (When I do I’m usually checking
for police.) Then, a short time later you realize that you have spent an unknown amount of time looking in the rear view mirror and haven’t paid much attention to what’s in front at all? This happens to me a lot. When I finally realize I’ve been looking behind me the whole time I feel a bit of anxiety wondering how the heck I didn’t have an accident and how exactly I got to where
I am. I have this horrible habit of constantly worrying about what is behind me
that I pay no attention to what is right in front of me. This is true of both my driving and my life
in general.
My past is extremely rocky, to say the least. I live my life with a lot of regrets and often find myself looking back and second guessing decisions I’ve made. I have a hard time letting go of people and I have a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. I often find myself
daydreaming about what could have been had I made a different choice. What if I hadn’t given the guy my phone number who would end up in prison and would ultimately shatter my heart? What if I hadn’t trusted the camp counselor that took advantage of a young girl’s crush on him? What if I didn’t allow my father leaving to be something that had driven me to desire to be with a man, any man, who promised to love me? What if I didn’t leave New Jersey after high school? What if I perused a career in music? What if I said “No” all the times I said “Yes?” The list could go on.
With as often as I look back, I constantly find myself missing out on what is right in
front of me. There are so many times when I snap back into the present that I look around at my life and wonder how in the world I got to where I am at. There’s so much going on right now and so much ahead in my future, but I don’t see any of it because I am constantly looking to my past and wondering how I can make it better. How can I undo the things I’ve done? How can I fix the mistakes that I’ve made? The fact of the matter is I can’t change a single thing I’ve done. I can’t fix my past. I can’t go back and relive experiences. I can’t say “No” when I’ve said “Yes” and I can’t do anything to change what’s gotten me to this point, right here and right now. What I can do, is take a look at what’s around me, forget focusing on all of the “What ifs” and start focusing on What Is.
Every decision I have made has gotten me right where I am today. Whether I like the
place I am at or not, there is nothing I can do to change how I’ve gotten here. However, I can learn from past mistakes. I can learn better decision making and I can press on towards my future. If I constantly spend time looking back, I risk missing out on an awesome future. There’s a lot of potential in my life, but if I’m constantly looking behind me, I am never going to see it. I have a tendency to use the phrase, “I don’t see how things can possibly turn out okay” Well of course I can’t see how it’s going to be okay, I’m constantly looking in the rear view mirror where things have never been okay.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead”- Philippians 3:13

I have made is my goal this year to do exactly that; forgetting what is behind and
straining towards what is ahead. I know it’s a difficult thing to do. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing. We all have regrets, but dwelling on them and wondering “what if” is not going to change anything. I don’t really like the idea of a “new year’s resolution” because they tend to be broken so easily. However, this year I am attempting to make some “life changing
decisions.” This would be one of those decisions. I can do nothing to change the things I’ve done or where my life has been up until this point. What I can do is forget about what I don’t have and forget about the mistakes I’ve made and focus on what I do have. I can look at where I want my life to be and start making choices that press on towards those goals. It’s so easy to sit back and daydream about what could have been. It’s much harder to get up and do something to change what can be. I’m going to choose this year to do that harder thing because up until this point, the easy road has gotten me nowhere.